Crawl

Chapter One

Patritca sat in the kitchen her hands in her lap she was lonelier than she had ever thought she could be being married and her life hadn't excatly been dubed perfection. She stared at the spotless table and then to the spotless floor. She was twenty four with no children and married to one of the most youngest most succesful preachers in the state. She looked at the virginia spring coming to dance with the somber winter snow. She sighed deeply as she looked out of the window and then she went to the mirror. Her pale skin was plain her aurbun hair wasn't styled or salon worthy and the only thing she loved was her stealy grey blue eyes. She was no model, but her look was perfect for being the young sweet innocent wife of the preacher. She smiled with her plump lips and stood taller sucking in what little fat on her bones she had. She had always been small framed and her C-cup breast and not so full hip and waist line made her look like a lamp post with two volleyballs on the front. She pulled down her blouse and wiggled her botomless bottom into her size 6 jeans. She wished she was bigger, fuller and better looking. Her husband never seemed attracted to her and she and he have only had sex 20 times in their four year marriage. She wanted that to change. She was sexually charged and she was ready to express that with her husband, but between the chruch and his christan counseling program he had no time for her. And she had all the time in the world.

"Patty! Honey I'm home and I smell something wonderful!"
It wasn't anything special but pasta primvera he was trying to make her feel better. She smiled "Thank you. Just borin' ol chicken and pasta."
"Smells better than that! How are you?"
"I'm fine." She kissed his cheek took his case and coat and watched him walk away."How about you darling how are you?"
"I'm good. Great actually. Finally got some time to myself." He smiled, and winked "Maybe now we can start on making a family. "
Patrica smiled. "Yeah."
"You okay."
"Of course darling. I'm just ready to serve you dinner." She kissed his cheek and gave him his dinner. The thought of her having children with him made her feel weird, but never warm and fuzzy like a normal wife, but it was the feeling of running away.
"So you what do you think about a little girl?"
"I think that it would be nice."
"What about a boy?"
"As long as they are happy and healthy and has all ten fingers and all ten toes I'm happy."
"So you wanna have a baby?"
"Sure honey if that's what you truly want."
"Oh I do." He said swallowing a mouth full of food. "I think it would be great. It would be something for you to do around here and you wouldn't be as lonely."
She clenched her teeth. "You're right dear. I am a little lonely. Having a baby would cure that."'
He kissed her "When should we get started?"
She lifted his plate and took it in the kitchen. "Maybe we can go on a romantic getaway you know... Something specail to concieve them by."
"Sounds great! I think we can do that. We'll take a trip to the cabin in a few weeks and I'll get things done in the office and I'll handle everything else. You just pack your bag. I'm gonna run down to the club for a little game of chess. It's after six I'll be home by ten?"
"Sure honey sounds great." She kissed him goodbye and then watched him go. She walked to her car and down the stairs to the drive way hoping in the car and drove to her friend Rachel who was a nurse and had a home office in her basement. She had to make a choice and the choice was to not let him give her something she wasn't ready for.

"Patty? What on earth are you doing here?"
"I need the implant Rach! I need it bad."
"It's kinda late like seven P.M. and I have to be authroized to such a-"
"I am twenty-four and I know my rights AND YOU my best friend can do whatever I ask without question. SO you do what I want and I will pay whatever amount you wish. I just can not get pregnant Rachel. I'm sorry, but you've seen Seth I can't-"
Rachel grabbed her friend and hugged her tightly "Alright my darling. I can do it whenever you are ready."
"I'm ready now."
She smiled and wipped her friends tears away. "When we are done I want you to go see my friend, Isa. She is a therapist that can help you I'll call while you recover from the intatal shots and stuff."
"Thank you so much Rachel what do I owe you?"
"Just go see her and we will be even I just can't have my best friend since the second grade on some scare trip."
"Fine I will see her as soon as she can fit me in."
"Great come on let's get started."
 Patty laid back on the table after taking a seditive. She relaxed her arm and felt another numbing shot. Then she watch as there was a tiny slit made and a needle pushed the implant into her arm. She wasn't scared of being a mother anymore she didn't have to be it was over, at least for three years. Then she could make the real choice of if she wanted to be a mother. It altogether took fifteen minuets and she was done. Rachel explained what to do with the bandagaes. The first two in twenty four the next two in fourty eight and to take two of the gummy vitimans.
"Thanks."
"Well you have an apointment with Isa tomorrow at eleven. Can you do that?"
"Yes I can. I will be there!" She took the bottle of vitamans and hugged her.
"I haven't seen you in days! Come sit and have a cup of coffee."
"I can do that." She smiled and they went to the kitchen. 
"So what made you do this?"
"Seth came home today and was really happy and started saying he had time off comin' and he was ready to have a baby because it would mean I would be less lonely. Instead of my own husband being my company he wants to knock me up and make me have a baby. I had dreams you know."
"Yes you wanted to be a therapist a sex therapist if I do recall and then you decided to give up because you found the boy of your dreams and you decided to be house wife instead. You finished your degree why didn't you stay into work?"
"Seth said it was proper this way and I believed him."
"You were very different in high school you know that marrying a preacher isn't going to make your sins go away."
"NO! I wouldn't do it for that I loved him in the begining."
"And now?"
"And now we aren't clicking. We are up and down down and up left and right. We are a never ending callipso dance."
Rachel burst out in laughter. Her brown eyes dancing with humor and her long curls bouncing. "I have never heard that one!"
"Oh I think so I think I've said it I have said it right?"
"Yeah I don't think so... Why did you marry him Patty?"
"Bcause I didn't think it was gonna be this way Rachel I swear I didn't, but It is and I'm devistated. I wanted love that's what I signed up for. I want to be in love with my husband and I'm not."  She sniffed
"Don't cry it's okay I'm sure things are going better than you think they are." Rachel tried to comfort her but there was no use.
"Why do you want me to go and see Isa the therapist."
"She can help you. Maybe it is some deep rooted fear of being a mother."
"I had the ideal mother and father seperated yes, but they were ideal when I got to be with one or the other and they were wonderful to each other just not when they were married, and my grandparents were wonderful. How I miss them, I don't have any issues with my mothering skills. It's the father I just don't want. I love him I think he's great, but making me a mother is a lot to think about and I just don't think he cares."
"Why?"
"Because if you haven't met him since our senior year he is too busy for me and I don't need a wham bam thank you ma'am to go down just so that I can be a single mom without being a single mom. And just think my children have to be displays. Perfect images of what the Mention family looks like."
Rachels expression became somber. She stared down and her coffee and nodded. "I know that feeling."
"Oh Rach I'm so Sorry. Honest I didn't forget I just didn't de-sesnitise because I was being honest." Patricas heart ached for her best and pretty much only friend. Her father and mother were the sight of the town. Rich handsome and of course in politicans. Her father was a sentor and her mother was the CEO of a profitable clothing industry. Together they made power couple that could live up to no other, but they also molded their children with pills, contorol, and a theripst who electro shocked them into perfection. Under Rachels tan-ish skin and her bouncy dark hair there was a scar on her left temple that just couldn't let her escape her memories. Patrica wanted nothing more than to take them away from her best friend, but there was nothing she could do.
Rachel took her hand and smiled "I'm not that girl anymore thanks to you. I love you and I want what is best for you and if that is putting an implant in your arm and telling you to get some help well that's what it will take." She took a sip of her drink "What are you going to tell him?"
"It's January. Long sleeves. He won't notice until he notices. Hell we barely sleep together." She looked at the clock. It was after nine, and she knew her husband wasn't home.
"What's a matter Pats?"
"Do you think Seth is cheating on me?"
"What?"
"I mean really Rach. He's gone til all hours he doesn't pay any attention to me.... Is he cheating on me?"
"Honestly honey I don't know, but I'm sure you'll find out and that implant will be the right choice."
"I should get going. Let's do lunch after my appointment."
"I can't wait."
With a hug and a kiss on both cheeks and promises to call when she got home she left. The shocking and electolike thought of her husband being with another woman made her sick, but she didn't dare think it when she walked in.

"Have fun?"
"Yeah just went to Rachels." She said as she climbed into bed with him.
"That's nice dear."
"Oh yeah wonderful."
She looked at him his back was turned and she just shrugged. "Good Night."
"Yeah darlin g'night."
"I love you."
"You too."
Tears welled in her eyes. All she wanted was an I love you too. Somethings he hadn't said in months and maybe he didn't love her back now. She needed that therapist more than she thought she did. She sighed and turned her back to his and went to sleep. Dreaming of the day when he loved her as much as she did him. If a day ever existed.