Web of Lies

Web of Lies: Chapter Seven

Harry stared numbly down at the pages he had just filled, Dr. Lawson watching him carefully from a distance as he read through each memory. Upon entering her office he’d been given a journal and a pen, and after a brief introduction, he’d been instructed to fill out all the times he could remember burning, and everything he could remember about them.

Then he was to read through them and together they’d try to decide if there was a single trigger of sorts that set him off. And thus work from there. So the first meeting had been completely silent on Dr. Lawson’s part while Harry scribbled down as much as he could recall within the time constriction of the appointment. Which hadn’t proved to be an adequate amount of time-at all.

“The first time was right after I got cut from X-Factor, the first time, in between the time where I wasn’t called out and when we were put in a band. I don’t remember much, I remember trying not to break down, because there were cameras and I thought it’d be quite embarrassing, for the whole world to see you upset because you sucked.

But then afterwards I accidently ran into Louis, Louis who I’d only spoken to a couple of times at this point, and he was broken up but seemed quite accepting of the whole deal. He shook my hand and told me it was rigged, that I should’ve been pulled and that he was disappointed in the show for the sole reason they didn’t choose me.

He meant well, probably meant what he said too, Louis always has overestimated me a bit, but at the time it just fed the fire of emotions stirring up in me. Hearing someone says he should’ve gone through, only makes the fact that he didn’t seem worst. It makes it seem like you actually were close-and that maybe if you had just tried a bit harder, it could’ve been you they called instead of another bloke.

Anyway, after that I had to call my Mum and tell her, and that was rough, because of course she did the same thing Louis did. Tried to comfort me by telling me how wrong they were to cut me, when really what I wanted was for someone to tell me that they were right-that I wasn’t good enough-and to move on with my life.

I think it was after the phone call with my Mum that I finally let myself go  bit, my bag was already packed in the room, and I waited outside the building, sitting on my bag and waiting for family to pick me up.

No one was around, everyone was still inside either celebrating or having breakdowns, and I was left all alone out there. And I remember-there was the broken lighter laying on the ground, and at first I just picked it up bored, waiting and wanting a distraction.

But when I started playing with it, it blew up a bit, singing my thumb and I tossed it back on the ground, wincing at the pain.

But at the same time, the pain was more of a distraction than just playing with a broken lighter, it lasted longer, and went deeper. I liked it. It was what I wanted to hear, in a way, it was like hearing I wasn’t good enough-just in a different way.

Of course, at the time I knew what I was doing was bad, and I slammed my foot against it, the lighter blowing up again in the process and this time falling apart in pieces.

Not a second later a production manager came out of the building in search of me-and hopefully you know the rest of what happened that day.

-HS

The second time was this argument with my Mum. It would’ve been right before the bungalows, which was when the boys and I first kind of got together. Mum was going a bit mad that I just planned to leave everything behind for the band.

It didn’t bother me that she was mad-I guess I could understand why a mother would want her child to finish school before attempting to become a famous rock star. Hopefully any sensible mother would have fears. What bothered me though was that she didn’t have any issue with letting me audition for the X-Factor.