oneshots for when i don't update my book(s) : D

anemoia ( hyperfixation pt2 )

^ the playlist i used for this one

(the listing - https://www.etsy.com/listing/888672955/set-of-10-fruit-butterfly-rings-ring-set?ref=user_curated_list-9&frs=1)

note: the vibe is sad(der) now, less frantic

in which snail tries not to choke on his feelings

 present tense

it's like i'm walking in an empty room in a dream, but the walls keep disappearing and coming back and it doesn't make sense. i don't remember feeling anything but i know how it felt. and i keep shaking. 

i have memories that don't exist. and i know they don't, i know they're fake – just something my subconscious dreamed up on a summer's day – but i just refuse it. i love them. i love him. atlas. such a beautiful name.

i've been trying not to say it because if i say his name then i'll remember that he doesn't know mine. and then i'll forget my name. what kind of idiot forgets their own name?

caelum.

caelum loves atlas.

he still calls me "snail."

like a nickname. it's sweet.

i miss him so much. so so much. i feel like a monster when i follow him like that. i stopped, i really did, but it hurts so much. i think it's been a week but it feels like it's been ten years. he's in all of my dreams and when i think about him, my throat clogs up and my heart constricts and my lungs crumble into ashes and that's when the shaking starts. it hurts so much. i want to hold him forever. atlas, i want to hold atlas forever.

but that would be weird, i think. i think that'd be weird if i just showed up at his house. i...

i don't know? are we friends? i don't even have his number. he has mine. he said it was funny because it's all the same number - 7777 - and he hadn't seen that before.

it was so much better before. it was so much better when i last saw him so many years ago, once a month maybe. it was so much better when he was just an idea but he's not anymore and it feels like torture. i can't be with him all the time – i can barely be with him at all – and every second feels like i'm being stabbed over and over and over again and i can't breathe and i can't function.

the word "need" feels almost too weak now. i was so close to him just last week but now....

i have a ring on my finger for every time i thought about him that first day. i thought if i just did that then i wouldn't feel so disgusting and awful but i still did so i stopped doing it. and i thought he loved me.

***

my head feels like it's going to fly off my body and explode mid-air.

"snail?" he asked, dipping his head to look me in the eyes. i turned to him. "are you alright?" his mouth curled into a smile but his eyes gave away his nerves. i nod so that i won't upset him, but i'm definitely not okay.

i'm at his house again, but this time i'm laying in his lap and he's petting my hair. it's because i fainted.

atlas messaged me to come over for tea again, he owns a tea company, and i did. and then he opened the door and the minute i saw him, my head bombarded me with thoughts and feeling and questions and wants and my eyes closed. and then i woke up, in his lap, in a couch on the porch. he was playing soft music and petting my hair... i almost fainted again.

.

.

.

he's really affectionate. i don't know how i'm supposed to let my feeling die down if he keeps doing this to me.

i love him so much.

it's shameful - i just wish i could stop but he's so sweet and loving and careful with me and he listens an-

i mean, what am i supposed to say? look at what he's doing right now. there's music playing. i can't deal with this. i wish i could tell him but i know i can't. it's not real. it's never real. it never works out.

i just want to go home. but how am i supposed to go home when he is my home and i have to leave him? i can't. i just can't.

"atlas..." i start, crawling out of his lap and onto the other side of the couch. he crosses his legs, turning his entire body to face me so i know i have his full attention. gaia, he's perfect. "i...." i forgot what i was going to say. he looked at me, smiling. i think he was just happy that i was talking.

"my name is caelum, not snail." i stated, looking down, my eyes starting to sting. why did i say that? he chuckled, smiling wider.

"yes, i figured that out, but i prefer snail." i looked back up at him, surprised. "i hope that's okay?" he reaches his hand out so that it almost touched mine. i want to intertwine our fingers and never let go, but i didn't do that. i simply smile and nod as the tension in my stomach builds near to explosion. here we are, right text to each other, and yet i begin missing him again.the way his fingers felt in my hair. so natural. so right.

he's so perfect. why is he so perfect? how is he so perfect?

my heart hurts even more than it did when i couldn't see him. that smile crossing his mouth. the i can't kiss no matter how much i want to. i was so focused on not doubling over in pain, it seems, that i didn't notice that he started to talk.

"...girlfriend..." i heard him say before my ears stopped working.

girlfriend?

no.

no.

no.

NO.

it can't be like that. it can't. i want to scream at him for betraying me but he didn't. how could he have known that the "snail" boy he'd just met after not seeing for years wad in love with him? how could he care? yet and still, i feel like i'm bleeding out on the floor while he just watched with that perfect smile that he has, not realising there's anything wrong.

but i want him to be happy.

and he was happy

even if i was in excruciating pain.

a/n: yk, i'm thinking of making this into a book

(1052 words)

~edited~

~nova a.