hi long time no see. I haven't been on here in a while because we had some bitches who didn't want their names being exposed but hey I wouldn't want my name exposed if I was doing the shit they were doing too so I understand. And I haven't really came up with any fake names yet so until I do I won't be talking about them. I was going to use the names from the last book but I didn't think that was suiting considering they were cunt and aids. I don't think they would appreciate those names. But I will be keeping one name Orby. And my name, Calli. And i have one new name, Teeny. Means strong heart and beautiful, it also means very small. And the three of us together, well, its a tramatic mess. Orbys dad commited suicide almost a year ago. And i thought i was finished grieving, but when orby called me, amd weve talked, all those feelings i pushed away came back. She said everytime the bar door opens, she thinks hes just gonna walk in. When my moms life line went flat, I thought she was still gonna just wake up. She didnt. And he never came through those doors. When she said that, i knew she knew what i felt. Well never see them again. Not in this life at least. I would like to think shes my angel watching over me. But i never feel her. I used to, but i dont anymore. At the lake. Orby and i felt something. Her dad was with us. He really was. I never felt like that before in my life. He was really there. And wheres my mom? Ive had one dream. She was in a white room. Folding laundry. Which was weird cause she never did that. I looked at her confused. "Mom!" I said. She looked at me and smiled. Then i woke up. Orbys dad speaks to her. Ive never heard my moms voice in a dream. I just had one other dream of her last night. But it was more like a nightmare, and we wont talk about it. She still never spoke though. Anyways, Teeny might not feel the death of a parent, but shes a train wreck too. Anxiety though the roof. Im not an anxious person like that. I felt anxious before and if i had the way she does i wouldnt know what to do. But the thing that makes us so great is that i laugh the hardest with these people. They are hilarious. But we cant cure each other. I cant physically stand up in the shower. And dont even ask me how long its been since ive shaved. Its hard for me to go grocery shopping or cook. And its really hard to get up out of bed. Alot of people don't understand this. Just like an EXAGGERATION. Meaning- a statement that represents something as better or worse than it really is. For example: that breakup last year feels like a decade ago. Or you just called her an ugly bitch two days ago. Exaggeration. Maybe it wasnt 2 days ago. But it wasnt too long ago either. Where im going with this is that, you cant believe everything you hear. Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. Theres always more to every story. So here we are now. I have no friends. I have my boyfriend, who i havent came up with a name for. And thank god for him cause id be dead in a ditch some where if he wasnt in my life. But back to the point, i wrote this when we all got back together and i was so happy and my life was full filled. But we gave it maybe 2 weeks and it didnt last. Why? Idk. Is it me? My jealousy? Or was it orby who made it all about her and started throwing our dead parents into something that had nothing to do with them. Or was it teeny, who wont even give me a conversation. Who knows. What happened was, me and orby were in the car driving to go meet teeny at tap (the bar). The day before my mothers death anniversary. Were driving and i was upset cause i kept getting left out. Nobody would invite me to the bar, or take pictures of me to send to other friends, or even text me like how teeny and orby were texting. It wasnt so much teeny not including me it was orby. But shit hurt. And i said from the jump i dont wanna be the third wheel. I was upset orby got to meet teenys family and i never did in the 8 months weve been friends. Shit was upsetting, so anyways back to the car. I started spazzing alittle. "You never include me in shit" "just two days ago teeny was calling you a big fat ugly bitch". Orby says "bet then well go back to not being friends, shes blocked on everything, yadayadayada" then we probably went back and forth some more but i have engraved in my head, me and orby in the car and me turning to her and saying it was before yall started talking, not actually two days ago. Then we pull up to the tap and orby gets out of the car and tells teeny that she was talking shit two days ago and i said it again, it was before yall started talking. I guess she never heard me or she doesnt remember, i dont know. All i know is i remember sitting in that car with orbys face and saying it was before they started talking. So teeny was pissed i was talking shit and "lying" because it wasnt actually two days ago. But doesnt it feel like two days ago? I mean still. Like it still feels like they just became friends again two days ago. My B, i slipped up. Would it have made that much of a difference if i said two weeks ago? But hey lets say orbys right, i never said it was before they started talking. Orby new what i met when i said two days ago. She knew it wasnt actually two days ago, and she made teeny believe like i ment to say it. Ha. Make me look like the bad guy. So we tried to fix it. They came over my house at like 2am. Orby was drunk. Talking about her dad. Talking about how depressed she is. the usual. Making it all about her. When in reality, me and teeny were supposed to be talking and resolving our issue. I asked orby one question, "didnt i say after "two days ago" that it was before yall started talking?" Me being 100% confident shed say yes, she said no. I turned bright red. What? Are you kidding me? I was shocked. Am i going crazy? Why is that engraved in my head if i didnt say it? I remained cool though. Keep a soft voice. So then we got off topic. She started going off. About how i never showed to her dads benefit, and how she wanted to know, but didnt want to know about the conversation i had with her aunt, about how i treat her like a punching bag, and quote on quote "you and your mothers relationship was that, but i loved my father" like what? Like i didnt love my mother? Then i started speaking. Geeking. Freaking the fuck out. Then we got in each others faces, she kept calling me a liar. In my pwn house. "GET OUT" i said. And they left. Did you notice none of that had to do with teeny, and she was the one that was upset? That was supposed to be between me and her and somehow orby got right in the middle. I had one question and somehow it turned into me not loving my mother? Or i dont love my mom and much as she loved her dad? It weird how teeny and i went 8 months without arguing once and then orby comes into it and we start arguing. How are you gonna tell me it has nothing to do with her when she was right in the middle of it. So the end. We never spoke again. Its awkward at work with teeny and i. I even had this one bitch delete off of snapchat because of it. Why? Idk to show loyalty or something? Im not sure. But did you notice teeny and i never spoke about it once? We spoke all together, she spoke with orby, she never spoke with me. And your really gonna let words affect you like this after i flew you on a plane to come stay with my stepdad. After i spent my time and effort into making your birthday special? After letting you come to my house everyday, smoke you up, drink my drinks, 9/10 i bought the alcohol, and your gonna give our friendship up because i said two days instead of two weeks? If thats how you feel then WOW OH WOW. I sat back, and i truly see the person i thought id never see. Believe what you want, but i know for a fact im a good friend. I maybe alittle jealous, but i am a damn good friend. And youll miss that. It makes me not want to reconnect and fix this. Cause ill just get my heart broken again. And im not gonna get walked on. It feels like i was almost being used until orby came back. And then im kicked to the curb. Well, in the end of all of this, imma do me. Im going to focus on my relationship, my job, my art, and getting my life on track. I dont need friends, i lived in pittsburgh for three years without anyone. All i had was myself. So im not scared to loose them. Im not gonna beg for them back. And im not gonna apologize for something i didnt do. Ill apologize for hurting anyones feelings, cause that obviously not my intention, and thats the extent of that. Questions? Concerns? Drop them in the comments.
