At first it's a sharp pain in your gut. Your ribs are slowly cracking, each new splinter causing your breath to slowly slip away. The large slivers pierce your heart to the core. You take in that last breath. It's sweet air catching in your throat but lingering for only a moment before being snatched away by fear. This is happening. This unbelievable amazing thing is ending...and nothing you can do can stop its rapid disintegration. Your lungs collapse and a burning begins in your chest till you truly believe nothing could get worse. But it does. You heart sinks to your knees and your speechless. You literally can not comprehend what to say. You pray with all your heart to let it end. To let this agonizing feelings cease. You cry out silently through the hot tears that spill endlessly out of your red sore eyes. Your done.
You want to sleep, because you convince yourself the pain will stop. And maybe, just maybe when I wake up it will all have been a nightmare. You will be held and comforted with loving words that make your soul soar with relief.
Your hope crashes as the deep aching in your heart confirms the lies, you've been tragically and pleadingly feeding yourself in the deepest hopes, are in fact..lies. The devastating revelation crushes every ounce of happiness left in your body and a deep mourning creeps into your soul, leaving you feeling naked and oh so very vulnerable. A hard throbbing pain erupts from the deepest part of yourself and spills from every ounce of your being.
Everything moves at a slow pace and the longing in your chest grows till it feels to physically gnaw at any emotion left.
After a while the crying stops. The deep throbbing continues and the aching only increases but at least you feel numb. You blink slowly and can't help but wonder why anything matters if it is just going to end. You begin thinking harshly, not allowing yourself to react to them or anything. Your thoughts drift and soon it doesn't matter. You stop blaming yourself, you don't blame anyone. The pain is still there but your use to its sharp sting.
You know this is the worst part, because at least when you were in breath taking agony you felt. Felt something, anything. But now you don't care. You know you've sunk to a whole new low. However, you desperately hope you stay there. You tell yourself that feeling nothing is better than wanting it all to end. Nothing is worse than feeling unwanted. And that feeling is all you can think about. You stare into nothing, allowing your heart to sink further and further into the abyss you have no desire to crawl out of...
After a while you begin to feel ok. You start breathing again and your heart leaps with the hope that this unbearable agony is over. You smile and actually laugh. Maybe not genuinely, but hey it's a start...right? You think about life and the good there is, this moment can last days, hours, but most often just minutes. You stumble upon a quote or a song that reminds you of that burning aching and you fall, so pathetically, back into the treacherous, endless pit of misery and torment.
One day, however, things Seam bearable. The sun seams to shine a little brighter and for some reason unknown to you, you feel alright. It's still hard and those memories course through your mind as if your heart depends on them...but it hurts less. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's far from the end and you can see bumps and holes where you know you'll stumble. You pull yourself together....
because you know you'll love again and it will be magnificent.
