As to why i thought you wouldn't change, i was being stupid and naive at the time, thinking that life would be in my favor, boy i was wrong. everything slipped through my fingers in a second. one moment everything was perfect ... you were perfect. why did you have to change? why did you have to take those? why did you have to drink those? they were never the answer, why can't you understand that? wasn't i enough for you?
did i do something wrong for you to take those temporary escapes? was it me you were escaping from?. i always blamed myself for your change, i always thought i was lacking with something.
you changed.
they said that people never really change, they just show you who they really were inside but i knew with my heart you changed. we were together for 20 years and wasn't that enough to know a person? maybe not. you were never perfect but you were perfect for me.
i knew when i first saw you playing your toy dinosaur that caused me to call you dinosaur when i was 7 that we would end up together, maybe it was my fairytale invaded mind but i knew. i knew when i saw you from across the street waving your hand at me, i knew when you started calling me angel, i knew when you taught me how to ride a bike, i knew when you asked me to prom, i knew when you kissed me at graduation, i knew when you asked me to marry you, i knew.
i knew you were it for me.
it started when you hung out with your friends at work one night, you asked me if you could stay with them for a few hours because your friend's wife will be having a baby and he wants his friends to be there. i didn't know that you would leave a piece of you there. when you kissed me goodbye that same night, i didn't know that that would be the last kiss that you would give me that meant, i didn't know that when i said goodbye that i was saying goodbye to something else too, something that you left that made you change. maybe you left a big part and you were just adapting to what you have left.
but you forgot about me.
i would've helped if you let me in, but you didn't. you made walls to shelter yourself from others ... including me.
you and i against the world.
i always thought of that as a promise when you said it to me, but it turns out it wasn't the world you were against, it wasn't even the drugs or the alcohol or the cigarettes but you were against yourself. i hate you for shutting me out, i hate you for forgetting that i could help and most of all i hate you for thinking that you were alone. i could've done anything to help you but how could i help when i don't even know what the problem is.
i don't know what happened when you gone out with your friends that night but i knew you were different when you came back. you didn't even kiss me goodnight or kissed me ever again. your kiss was a proof you still loved me but how could you stop loving someone after one night. i always thought it was impossible but you did it. you somehow removed your love for me in a single night.
i wish i could do that, remove all my feelings for you and move on but i can't. I'm not like you, maybe i love you too much or is it because i'm weak. weak enough to detach something that means so so much to me it hurt, and stitch the bits and pieces that are left scattered along with my memories.
every night i watched you drink yourself away from reality and i never knew it hurt so much to watch someone you love wash away their life.
i had enough.
you have everything you could ever want, you had a family, you had a decent job, and most of all you had a home. what could've possibly happened for you to risk everything you have and drink it all away. it will be excruciatingly hard to leave you, impossible to forget you but they said it'll be easier leaving than being left. i can't take it anymore. watching you ruin your life and knowing i couldn't do anything about it, being helpless for 5 years. asking and begging for you to let me help you but you kept telling me i wouldn't understand.
i have all my bags packed, I'm ready to go, ready to leave.
I will regret this, my mind kept telling me, but they said you will only regret it if you didn't do enough. i did enough. i did everything i could possibly do. i tried talking to you, i talked to your friends to ask what happened but they said you left leaving them at the hospital, i tried everything and every time i tried you break a piece of me inside.
i brought my luggage at the door, you were at work so you wouldn't see me leave, it would've been harder to say goodbye the second time when i know it was really the end, but i went back inside the house to leave my wedding ring. it would hurt more seeing it everyday and thinking what went wrong. i married my high school sweetheart, how could that be wrong? we had a perfect love story, something you would read in a book. maybe it was just too plain and perfect for this world.
i slowly placed my ring in my bedside table beside a note that said "you will always be my dinosaur" and then i left.
