Troubled nights (Banana Fish)

troubled nights

It was a silent night, that almost felt sorrowful. The New Yorker rain pattering softly on the large windows. The usually crowded streets were deserted. The concrete glitterd under the light of the streetslamps, the few opened 24-hour-shops and the kiosks. The cold rain had been pouring for hours already, as if it wanted to drown the whole city leaving not even the memories of the dreadful things that happened here behind. 

The apparment was poorly lit by the light from the streets for the clouds completely blacked out the soft moonlight. Somedays this nightly silence made this place a calm sanctuary and on other days it made it seem like an unsettling prison. 

In the middle of this wistful scenery sat a young boy burying his hands in his blonde hair. His knees pulled close to his chest, eyes focussing on the raindrops running down the window. Sleep didn't came easy on Ash the past months. His mind always troubled with thousands of spinning thoughts torturing him till he eventually drift to sleep. Since the last two days he was plagued with nightmares every time he closed his tired eyes, waking after a a few hours again. Why did he thought today was any diffrent. 

Ash combed his hands through his hair and stood up carfully not to make a sound. He wouldn't want to risk waking up the soundly sleeping boy, lying in the bed standing next to his. Crossing the room as quietly as possible, Ash found himself standing in the roomy, open kitchen. He gently opened one of the lower cupboards, trying not to make it squeak. Ashs eyes wandered around searching for something. Finally behind some bottles of vinegar, oil and other condiments stood the flask filled with cheap whiskey in it's hideout. It's not the best, but it will surely do its job. He bend down and reached carefully for the bottle not knocking over the other ones standing in his way. 

The bad liquor burned, running down his throat. Ash wasn't the guy who would drink alcohol often. It made him feel defenceless und exposed to eventual attacks, by numbing his generally sharp senses and regarding the fact, that many people would preferably see him dead, made it even more dangerous not being a hundret percent aware of his surrounding. Nevertheless it was the one thing, that gave him a brief break form all the thoughts inside his head. 

As quietly as he could Ash rinsed of the used glass and put everthing back where it belonged without leaving a clue. Not wanting to let Eiji know what happened here tonight. He worries enough about me. He don't have to know this as well. Ash thought to himself as he walked back into the almost pitch black bedroom.

The bed felt cold and comfortless. Pulling the blanket over his body send shivers down his back. He stared at the poorly illuminated ceiling, waiting to fall into a somewhat peaceful sleep. Today the gods and the alcohol didn't have mercy on him. The thoughts that were spinning confusingly fast, coming and going, not letting Ash think straight slowed down. His mind cleared, but instead of letting him just sleep, the chaos in his head became clear accusations against himself. The past guilt crept up behind him and swallowed him whole, not leaving a way out. 

Why couldn't you protect Eiji from the bullet? Why didn't it took you instead? He could have died. Why couldn't you let Eiji go? Let him go into his own world, this world without killing, without guns, without the need to shoot someone to protect yourself. He is to pure for all of this. The words that Blanca once said echoed in the back of his head. He doesn't exist for your salvation.

This last thought wouldn't let him go. The trembling boy rolled on his side, clutching the blanket to his chest. A tear rolled down his cheak. Just one single tear filled with pain and sorrow. Why couldn't he let Eiji go?

This question was nothing new to Ash. He had this thought countless times,  but he always postponed to answer it. Afraid he would never let Eiji go if he found a reasonable justification and even more scared he would find feelings he swore to burry deep inside of him and never bring back to light, full of the fear to just explode and take everyone with him. 

Ashs overwhelming thoughts were abruptly interrupted, by Eijis soft voice. He sounded very concerned.

"Ash?" 

"Yeah", Ash tried to sound as seren as possible. Waiting for an answer, he searched for a good excuse to be wide awake this late. To his suprise the older boy didn't say anything anymore. Instead of an reply he only heard ruffeling sheets followed by footsteps on the chill wooden floor. Suddenly he felt a warm hand very carfully touching the back of his own. Eiji moved cautiously as if he feared he would scare the blond boy away like a wild animal. He felt that Ash didn't want to be seen like this, vulnerable and weak. To Eijis suprise he didn't shy away under his soft touch, quite the contrary. The younger boy pressed his hand against the other one. The room gone completly quiet. Nobody dared to break the hush fearing the moment would disappear. Ashs troubled head came to peace for this brief moment. He only felt Eijis warmth and honest worry for him. It may sounds selfish but he was happy knowing someone cared for him. 

Eventually Eiji broke silence: "Ash, you don't have to tell me what's wrong, but you are not alone. I already told you, that I'll always stay by your side."

"Stay here now." Ashs voice was shaking. He was not used to relying on others, but everthing was diffrent with Eiji. Interlocking their fingers the older boy was pulled to his knees next to the bed. Their hands were now resting on Ashs chest pressed against his beating heart. 

Someday he must think further about this whole Eiji thing, but not today. His head was spinning, but this time from the alcohol and the overwehlming warmth of this perfect boy kneeling next to his bed. 

As Ashs breath got steadier and Eiji waited a little while to be sure he wouldn't wake the blond boy. With the utmost care he freed his hand from the strong grip. Standing up his legs gave in on him, they went to sleep due to the strange position the dark haired boy was sitting in the last half hour. Leaning on the bed frame to support his weight, his face was only inches away from Ashs. The scent of cheap alcohol filled the air between them. 

The japanese boys expression turned into a mix of worry and guilt. He took a moment to inspect the angelic and beautiful face infront of him. How does a face so pretty, can hide the cruelest memories and darkest thoughts behind it. As if he needed proof that this is really happening right now, that Ash is here alive, his fingertips carefully moved over his fair cheek and lingered just for a moment on his jaw. 

Shocked that his emotions took control over him, Eiji pulled his hand away quickly, like a kid touching the hot stove for the first time. He hastly lay down pulling the blanked over his face, to cover his flustered face.

As much as he liked to deny it, he had fallen head over heels in love with this american boy. Every day a bit more. First he didn't know what love was, but this couldn't be any other feeling. He cared more for the well-being of this boy, than everthing else.

Even if the whole world turns on you, I will alwyas be by your side.