Secrets Beyond Me

When Did It Begin?

Love shouldn't be a secret right? If you love someone they should know right? What about depression? Should the person who caused it know? All of these questions are racing through my mind as I sit in my bath tub, with a razor, cutting and cutting...

I guess I should explain how I got here huh? Well, my name is Allison Colbert and I'm a 16 year old nobody or you could say I'm a normal girl who has only 3 main friends that's she talks to all the time. I go to Forks High-school and I'm a Junior and I'm battling depression and I can tell you that's depression is kicking my ass.

I wake up from my alarm clock "beep beep beep" I look at the clock to see the time is 6:45, the usual time I wake up. My outfit of the day consists of dark American Eagle jeans, with an American Eagle Denim shirt, Gray boots, and a tan looking infinite scarf. I walk down my stairs to my kitchen for breakfast.

"Good Morning Ally" said Stewart my older brother
"Good Morning Ste" I replied
"Sleep well?" asked Stewart
To be honest, I wanted to tell him how I cry myself to sleep at night but I went safe.
"Amazing, how did you sleep? " I replied
"Better than usual" said Stewart

After my breakfast, I grabbed my PINK book bag and grabbed my keys. I walked out to my car and threw my book bag in the front passenger seat. I drove my '67 Red Volkswagen Baha to Forks High school.

As I pulled up, I saw Trevor, my best friend, and Brooklyn, who is like my sister. They wave to me and I wave back. I get out of my car and walk to them. I hug Brooklyn and punch Trevor lightly in the arm. That's our way of showing our friendship to each other. I have known Trevor since 8th grade and same with Brooklyn. We are the three musketeers with Ben, Trevor's twin brother. We are all the closet friends and well as we call it we are the squad. Trevor and I are friends with benefits I guess. We dated in 9th grade and a little of 10th. We fell in love, but then Brooklyn and Ben broke up. So, I didn't want things to be weird so I told Trevor friends is best for us. It tore me apart to do it and I know I ruined him. I didn't want too, but Brooklyn inisisted. We eventually became best friends again. So here we are.

But, what I just found out that destroyed me inside was Brooklyn was dating my first love. Crushed. Betrayed, Broken. That's what I feel. Your best friend dating your first love, no no that wasn't supposed to happen. I still love him, always have, always will. Obviously, I must go along with it but how could I if the pain is unbearable?

All of us walk to Mr. Peterson Biology class together. I'm a very good student. I have all A's and my behavior record is clean. My favorite teacher is Mr. Peterson, even though I hate science, he is the first teacher who helps me understand it.

As we walk in, Trevor and I take a seat next to each other and Brooklyn goes and sits by Zachary, Brooklyn's new boyfriend.

"Are you okay?" asks Trevor
"Yeah I'm fine." I lied
"I've known you for too long to know your lieing. " Trevor replies
"So you must know that I don't like to talk about certain things. " I said and felt confident that would end the conversation.
"Don't play that card with me. " Trevor said in an angry voice.
"What's the point of talking about something that I can't change?" I asked
Trevor didn't reply.

After 1st period I didn't think I could handle it anymore so I ditched school. Trevor caught me before I left and asked to come with me. Of course I let him because I really needed someone right now.

We got into my car and started to drive to my house. No word was said the whole 20 min ride home.

When we got there, Trevor hugged me.

"Why did you do that? " I asked
"Looked like you needed it." Trevor replied
"You do know if you need someone to cry on I'm here right?" Trevor said
"Yes I know, and thank you. " I replied

After the school day was over, I drove Trevor home.

After I got home from dropping Trevor off, I sat on my bed staring into the mirror thinking why? why me? I didn't want to be angry or mad or whatever towards Brooklyn but I just couldn't stand the fact that she has to date my first love. Not only was I thinking about that bullshit, but also my mom well yeahs I swear she hates me and she wishes I wasn't her daughter, frankly I wish I wasn't either. She is always screaming and nagging on me and I can't handle it. Also, the love of my life doesn't even know he is the love of my life.

My parents are divorced, they divorced when I was 4. My mom remarried and had another little boy. My step dad already had 2 sons so I have 4 brothers now. One real, that's Stewart, 2 step, Jackson and Jack, and one half, Dylan. My dad on the otherhand, well he married by step mom. And to be honest she is kind of a bitch. Don't get me wrong I love her to death, I really do but she has to take my dad away. No one understands what I'm about to say, not even Trevor, Ben, and Brookyln. But, anyway I'm my daddy's little girl but ever since he found my step mom it's all about having a baby. I don't want them too. I'm not stupid I know that I will loose him so I made then decision to never talk, go over, or think about my dad and my step mom while they have a baby. It will. hurt to much to see a little baby get more attention than his own daughter and his son.

So, where all this shit began it began in the shower that night. The night I first picked up a blade.