Secrets Beyond Me

Life is Overated

Every girl wants a fairy tale story. They have a great family and life but are always missing that one guy. They meet Prince Charming and fall in love at first sight and live happily ever after. I can tell you I want that, but this is reality. Reality is filled with people who will make you smile and make you cry, people who will throw you under a bus and people who will pick you up when you have no strength. Reality is society and society is painful and unbearable to live in.Maybe these are the reasons Im holding this blade or maybe it's because I just can't handle society and how it works.

I used to love life. You know when I was a little kid, had no care in the world. I loved to go to school and learn new stuff and meet new people. Then I grew up and I leaned what the world was like. I learned about the people who live in it, I learned about love.

Love is a very special word. It means so much to so many people. That's why I'm here right now. That's why I'm alive and that also the reason I'm sitting in the shower with this dumb ass blade slicing my wrist. Because love had made me become num to everything. The love of Zachary ,the love for Brooklyn, the love for Trevor and the love for my family. It all haunts me. I wish it wouldn't.

Before I picked up the blade, I paced in my room. I knew that cutting would eventually lead to suicide and suicide lead to well no more pain and suffering. But I didn't want to put my family and friends though that so I kept putting it off. Until tonight. The night I couldn't keep putting it off. I say and cried because I didn't want these thoughts but it was the only way to stop it. So, I walked into the bathroom, turned on the water and sat there. Held the blade in my hand and eventually the crystal clear water turned blood red like the coot Kool Aid. It felt amazing, to let all the anger and sadness out on myself because I deserved it. All of the pain that I'm having is caused by me. If I wasn't alive no one would have pain, I wouldn't have pain.

After the shower, I stared. I stared at the bleeding slice on my wrist. Then I thought, what if someone saw it. What would they think? Would they listen to me or call me sicko and spread it around school? I couldn't let a soul see it. So, I rushed to my dresser and pulled out about 5 black hair bands and covered my wrist with them. I thought to myself please work. Please. My last thoughts before I laid my head on my pillow and covered myself with my favorite blue and white blanket, were can I actually survive? Or will I give up and upgrade the blade to a knife or change it up to a rope or a gun?