vent shit i cant tell my therapist

expiration date

I don't like being biologically female.
I'm nonbinary but as someone born without a dick I have an expiration date. And it fucking sucks that by the time I'm in my mid 30s I'm gonna be used up by sexual partners. Be it lack of self-preservation or just age, nobody will want me like they do now.

Its not that I crave sexual attention, more that I as a 15 yr old get way too much from men much older than me and have been since I was 3, when my best friend assaulted me.
Because I'm vulnerable, naive, and have the face and build of a child, I get targeted and that's fucking bullshit.
 
Another expiration date I have is when my brain starts to deteriorate and is fully consumed by dementia. The clock's already started ticking and I can't stop it. Every day I break down because I don't know when it'll start. I can't tell my friends because they deal with my mania and adhd in general so I don't want to put more shit like that on their plate.

I don't want to be admitted into another mental ward, and this is better than omegle and mitski (although nobody really does help sometimes). Either way there's nothing I can do about this.

My family has a history of early onset dementia and hasn't skipped a single member. I'm next and I know it. Im terrified and the only certain way to avoid it is offing myself.

I don't want to leave my friends behind, I don't want to burden anyone with that guilt, but I'm scared and I'm too prideful to admit it. And that makes me a conceited coward.

I've never had friends before this. Who knew all it took was failing to join the military and running away? Like seriously sometimes I question whether this is rarely or not.

Honestly that makes me more scared to lose them. I genuinely care about them and its weird because I'm not used to making platonic bonds. Its nice but I know they'll get tired of me. That has an expiration date too.

So fuck life and fuck time I guess.
Thx for reading my vent.