I don't like being biologically female.
I'm nonbinary but as someone born without a dick I have an expiration date. And it fucking sucks that by the time I'm in my mid 30s I'm gonna be used up by sexual partners. Be it lack of self-preservation or just age, nobody will want me like they do now.Its not that I crave sexual attention, more that I as a 15 yr old get way too much from men much older than me and have been since I was 3, when my best friend assaulted me.
Because I'm vulnerable, naive, and have the face and build of a child, I get targeted and that's fucking bullshit.
Another expiration date I have is when my brain starts to deteriorate and is fully consumed by dementia. The clock's already started ticking and I can't stop it. Every day I break down because I don't know when it'll start. I can't tell my friends because they deal with my mania and adhd in general so I don't want to put more shit like that on their plate.I don't want to be admitted into another mental ward, and this is better than omegle and mitski (although nobody really does help sometimes). Either way there's nothing I can do about this.
My family has a history of early onset dementia and hasn't skipped a single member. I'm next and I know it. Im terrified and the only certain way to avoid it is offing myself.
I don't want to leave my friends behind, I don't want to burden anyone with that guilt, but I'm scared and I'm too prideful to admit it. And that makes me a conceited coward.
I've never had friends before this. Who knew all it took was failing to join the military and running away? Like seriously sometimes I question whether this is rarely or not.
Honestly that makes me more scared to lose them. I genuinely care about them and its weird because I'm not used to making platonic bonds. Its nice but I know they'll get tired of me. That has an expiration date too.
So fuck life and fuck time I guess.
Thx for reading my vent.
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vent shit i cant tell my therapist
Non-Fictionjust me growing up IG, something to get shit off my chest and look back on