Salt In The Wounds ✓

SITW 05

Let's talk, please. Same place. Same time. Hihintayin kita. 

I sat at the barricade by the seaside, allowing myself to be hugged by the freezing wind, whiffing the redolent of the sea, smog, and mixtures of perfumes and smokes of food while filling my auditories with chatters, car honks, footsteps, and sounds of street foods fried as I waited for the person sitting a seat apart from me to speak. 

"Thank you for coming," I heard the voice of the person I missed hearing, mumbling words I wasn't supposed to receive had I not come for a reason unbeknownst. 

"I won't take long. So, if I were you, I'd make the most—"

"Did you search for me when you woke up not seeing me beside you? Or did I lessen your burdens when I left a year and a half ago, and you realized you're happier and better off without me?"

Those were probably the worst words to ever hear from someone who left without me knowing why, without me knowing if I failed my part as a partner, if I weighed down what was supposed to lift, if I lacked though I was the one giving, or if I asked much though I was the one who settled with whatever given to me. But then, who am I to say those when I wasn't the one who drifted away?

I took a long indrawn breath before I spoke, with my eyes locking gazes with the pair of eyes who could steal all my strength away. "I had searched for you every sunrise and sunset, asking myself why you left when you were my only true rest and fount of happiness when everyone else was too hard of a burden and a bearer of gloom."

"Then why did you make me feel otherwise?" 

The mockery in the chuckle and the stares of abhorrence I became a recipient of were enough to gaslight me, but I didn't give in. Pride excluded; I knew I was far off base in being at fault. "Did I? I did not….," I said. "It was just that I was too invisible to you that you've never seen even all the love I was offering you, neither did you reciprocate it because you were too busy building your future that never once included me...."

"That's not true!" 

"Oh, so, now it's not?" Sarcasm was everywhere in the vision of me. "Because it's only when someone's absence kills you that you'd realize they actually weigh in your world?"

"You were, are, and will be a part of my everything 'cause I loved you then, I still love you now, and I'd love you every day! Pucha naman! Sa'n galing—"

"If you really love me, no matter how complicated things will go, you'll stay! Mapapagod ka, oo, pero hindi ka bibitaw!"

"I really love you that was why I left! 'Cause in your every stare, every gesture, and every silence, you were pleading with me to leave!"

"Umalis ka naman!"

"What was I supposed to do then?!

"You could've told me at least! You could've asked for space! Para hindi ako nagmukhang tanga sa kahihintay sa taong hindi ko alam kung babalik pa ba!"

"I'm fucking here now! Ito na 'ko oh! Bumalik na 'ko! Ano—"

"Why now?! Why only now?! Kasi nagawa mo na lahat ng gusto mo?! Kasi nakuha mo na lahat ng gusto mo?!"

"Kasi gusto kong kunin lahat ng gusto ko! At ikaw 'yon! Kasi ikaw na lang 'yong kulang at buo na 'ko ulit!"

"And that's just what it is?! Aalis ka nang parang wala lang, tapos babalik ka nang parang wala lang din?!" 

It was then I knew that tears weren't merely drops of pain. Perhaps they were all the same shields from pain, for I hardly thanked them that my visions blurred exactly when I would come to see the person who clenched my world shut. 

I didn't care if I was the subject of people's weighty stares or subtle and rough comments. I just bawled. And when I felt arms wrapping around me, the harder my tears came rushing. More so when soft lips touched my head and whispered against my hair, "I'm sorry….I'm so sorry….Please….give me another chance…..Ayusin natin 'to….please...."

But like how hard I knew I fell for you, so suddenly, I just don't know as well anymore if I am still head over heels with the person who used to be the focal point of my world. "I don't know….I really don't know…..I don't….fucking….know...anymore....Tangina…..Gulong-gulo na 'ko....Hindi...ko na….alam….I need….time. I….need...spa—"

"How much time do you need?" I felt a warmth of breath at the crook of my neck as I wept harder at the sudden blow of an unfathomable feeling inside me. "Is a month enough? Two months? Three? Four?" 

Those were questions too easy to come up with a response, yet I couldn't offer any other than an unsubstantial one. "Hindi....ko alam...."

"Then take all the time you need." The arms wrapping around me started to loosen as trembling hands cupped my face. "Whatever decision you'll have….even if it'll hurt…I'll respect it…." a quavering voice said.

Then a soft kiss landed on my forehead. Even the warmth of trembling hands on my flesh withdrew as my eyes watched a leaving. 

A leaving I didn't expect to watch again, with a different person. 

With you, whom I found standing by my doorstep as I arrived home.

"Nag...hihintay....ka pa rin….ba....?" I had helplessly slumped on the cold ground, weeping, torn, and writhing in pain. "Bakit? May iba na ba? Hindi na ba ako? Sa 'kin ka pa ba?"

"I...didn't….expect...him….to come...back….I'm...sorry….I'm torn...."

"May hinihintay...ka pa…palang….iba…?" 

"I'm….so...sorry…."

"It's okay….I'll be okay…."I'll survive....somehow....I always try...."