Breathe

"Emotional pain is not something that should be hidden away and never spoken about. There is truth in your pain, there is growth in your pain, but only if it's first brought out into the open."

Steve Aitchison

The boredom. The disinterest. The judgement. It's all in their eyes.

They might say that they're willing to listen. They might say that I can lean on them. They might say that they're a call away. But are they really? 

How could they say that when their eyes says differently? How could they say that but when the time comes that I need them, they're nowhere to be found? Why would they say something like that to a person who desperately holds on to those words, most especially to them?

There are so many things in my mind. Some I refuse to believe but the longer they echo, the longer they keep repeating in my mind, I feel like I am starting to believe them. Because maybe, they're right. 

Maybe I am just overreacting. Maybe my pain is lesser than most people out there. Maybe my thoughts are just too little compared to those who are really struggling out in the world. Maybe I am just too sensitive.

"Have you thought that maybe you're being overly dramatic?" I smiled inward, expecting this reaction.

"You're right. I should just suck it up, this isn't a big deal." I shook my head then laughed a little. She agreed and said that it'll pass. But she didn't see how a part of me was torn because I couldn't make them understand what I felt. A part of me was shutting down 'cause I feel like no one could hear me shouting for help.

It's raining hard. I didn't bring any umbrella so I just waited it out at a bus stop. There was no one here except me but instead of feeling alone, I felt peace. Standing here, catching the drops in my hand, I thought about a lot of things. And before I knew it, I was tearing up.

My knees buckled and I was on my knees. I cried together with the rain and I felt like it understood me because the heavier I cried, the heavier it rained.

My emotions were all over that I didn't know the specific reason why I cried. And I just sat there, not bothering to wipe my tears.

"You done?" a voice woke me up in my trance. I looked up and realized I haven't been alone here for a while. I just stared at him, never minding how I looked like. 

"You look like you needed to let it all out so I stayed here just to make sure you were all right. So, are you?" I looked at his eyes which made me wanna cry again because I haven't seen that look in a long time.

For the first time since I don't know when, I genuinely smiled.

"I am."