Mourn

Should I mourn you?
Should I not?
You're forever dead
And I'll never get you back.

You were smarter, leaner
Prettier and free
But inside the mirror
You always saw the current me

No matter how beautiful
Friendlier and such
The image you saw
Was disgusting to touch

You hated the flaws
The damage and pain
Despite your potential
You've gathered no gain

No trust in yourself
No love for your body
Just dreams without substance
Your vision all muddy.

Should I mourn you?
I miss you so
But despite all this pain
Should I just let you go?

You were not happy
Though happier than me
I laugh at this thought
Petrified to be.

Were you indeed better?
In some parts you were
No question about it
Their loss is still sore.

But your eyes held no truth
To see the real you
It's painful to remember
How you just never knew.

So many wasted years
But here I still am
Not learning a damn thing
Always just the same.

I long for you deep in my heart
I cling so tight
To an image, no, a dream
That I'm never getting back.

How stupid, how ironic
how laughable this life
To have your twisted vision
Starring back now in strife.

All that you saw and was not real
All that you thought
Deformities and inner demons
Forever lost in endless fight.

Now here I am as you imagined
Fat, broken and confused
Failing at life, failing at self
With no one else I can accuse.

No point in lingering, is there?
I better leave you, I better part.
Gather the confidence to just...
Just pull you out this broken heart.

I lay my body on your grave
I am not ready. When will I be?
Why can't my tears stop?
When will the past just set me free?

I just stay there in blacking silence
I feel so dried
Of all my dreams, my hopes
Of all the times I haven't tried.

But I have truth, I know I do
My eyes are clear
And unlike you, the image I see
Is indeed broken but real.

I take my leave but then I halt
It cannot be
This thought emerging - make it stop.
Truth's all I got, truth's all I see.

But I can't stop the thinking
The mind is rushing on
You trusted your own visions.
It hits me and I frown.

My logic knows and my heart pounds
Breathing in every beat
There is the chance I am the same
Instead of truth, see just deceit.

Could what I see still be a lie?
Illusions and the kind
Could I still wear a veil?
Obscuring my trusting mind?

The thought's too much to bare
I vomit my insides
Realization hitting hard
The possibility no longer hides

I will not mourn you
No, I will not
You are not gone
I just forgot.

Forgot that lessons can be learned
And truths are found
Even in pieces a long time broken
Shackled dreams, voices unsound.

Forsaken mirror I wish you gone
Erase your lies
Annul this pain, cancel the cuts
Just let me to be a bit more wise

There is no telling what truth is
There is no telling what is real
Poking at wounds with futile search
Won't allow them to heal.

We bleed together, you are not gone
We are the same
Closing my eyes, taking your hand
Embracing you under one name.

Breathe now my youngest
Don't be afraid
Despite it all we have a chance 
The future has yet to be made.

I welcome you and will not mourn
Through trial and error I have grown
I'll hold you tight and face it all
The past, the future and the unknown.