Dreams

First Dream

I had never worried of what it means to turn 18 years old.

I might have always seen that age as that moment in life where I would finally know what I'm supposed to be doing and why. I also saw it as so far away from me that it was not worth my consideration.

Time flies, and no one can do anything about it.

I'm supposed to know how I want to spend the rest of my life now...

Yet I just turned 17, and I've never been more confused.

I feel lonely. Although there are people around me, it doesn't seem to be enough.

My friends make me laugh sometimes, and that feels fine; yet it doesn't seem to be enough.

I don't think I need friend love anymore. I need him.

He's all I really want. I wanna know how it feels like to be laying on his chest, while listening to his breathing and his heartbeat.

I told him how I felt for him, and he just kept laying on my bed playing with his hair. He seemed to be fine with it, so I was myself. Then when we started to talk about something else I decided to ask him how I should treat my feelings for him.

He said, "As something fraternal because that's what it is."

I felt disappointed and cried a little that night. I actually forced myself to cry because I thought it would be the only way to get rid of the feelings as soon as possible.

I hate unrequited love because it has touched my heart before. Never again it will have that honor.

He's everything I want.

You are everything I need. This dream is meant for you so I will address it to you.

After that day you've been acting strange with me. You have ignored me for some days and then randomly have smiled and talked to me as if nothing had happened.

I dream that I'm the reason for your smile.

"I have been reading about a certain circumstance where a girl is not clear about her feelings for a guy, so the guy ends up doing whatever she wants because he thinks the girl might like him as much as he likes her. I think I've been there before," he says one night.

I played along with him, though I was almost certain he had said it on purpose.

He had described my relationship with him and I did not really understand why.

I don't now either. I don't know why he does this things. I don't care, as long as he feels the same way for me.

Maybe I'm just hoping, dreaming about things that just exist in my head.

If you, BPK, you know who, ever reads this:
I know we would not get married or anything. Your family expects you to be straight and to marry a girl. I only want to know how it feels like to be in your arms and to be protected by you.
I only want to love you freely and to worry not if it would ever make you feel uncomfortable.

I feel as if these feelings were some sort of curse. Many times I get to think that I've been condemned to fall in love with people who cannot love me.

I dream of being free of the curse of unrequited love.

The first dream is about my life being a little simpler. Though I've accepted that I'm not straight, I cannot help to think that my life would be so much simpler if I only liked girls.

My first dream would also be that society would let you, my love, love me without feeling guilt or embarrassment.

My first dream is to be with you.