Shining Light

I always thought that 'love at first sight' was a thing you would know as soon as it hit you, but when I thought it had happened to me, I clearly didn't realise how wrong I was and how much the world was playing with me.

It all happened at the end of my high school year, like the normal kind of teenagers I spent a lot of time on social media, but unlike normal teenagers I had created an alternative account where I felt free and that I could be myself. It was here where I got introduced to the one I thought would be my forever. It started out all casual; chatting with each other, roleplaying with our friends that we had in common and that led onto video calling and finally getting to put a face to a name. Jason. His shaggy brown hair matched his cool brown eyes and his weird personality. Average for an average kind of guy, but I guess that's what I thought I liked about him.

As time progressed and we continued to video call more and more - just the two of us - I started to realise that maybe there was something more than friendship there. However, I had my doubts as like most people, I believed that the feelings were only one sided. As my birthday neared I got more and more surprised and finally got a shock. Those feelings weren't just one sided and he felt the same way - or so it seemed. He asked me out and having never had a true relationship in the past, I couldn't help but say yes as I thought he was the one. How wrong I was.

After almost 4 years of being together, the truth was finally brought to light. He was a manipulator. A control freak. He only wanted me to pay attention to him and nobody else, not even my close friends. It was a couple of those close friends that finally made me see the light and see what all he was doing, and had done to me for almost 4 years, was wrong. Here I had my heart shattered and thought that true love was never going to be a thing anymore, because my trust and heart had been played with. I decided upon this realisation that I wouldn't let anyone near my feelings and would lock them away. I couldn't trust anyone after this. I was scared that if I started to trust anyone, I would risk a repeat of the past. I couldn't let that happen. Yet, lightning always strikes twice, and this time, the one at fault was me. I caused my own heart ache.

After being away from Jason for what seemed like over a year, I finally got introduced to Hajime. Hajime had been a good friend for a while, and I hadn't even noticed that he had started to grow feelings towards me, until a mutual friend pointed it out. Okay, I know, I should've noticed the signs, but after going through 4 years of believing what I felt to be love, I knew that I was going to be more dense in realising things. Boy was I right. Even the subtle of hints I had failed to notice. Things like always agreeing with my ideas, or trying to boost my confidence if I was saying something stupid about how I looked. He was always trying to cheer me up. Yet, I just assumed it to be that of a good friend. Finally, I noticed something when he asked about being from the same serious more frequently. I decided that maybe it was time to give another relationship a try.

Everything seemed to be going fine at first. Nothing out of the blue seemed to be wrong. Then I noticed I was doing things that wasn't normal - in my eyes - for a relationship to work. I called him the wrong name a few times, compared him to the ex and noticed that the spark I thought we had was dying out. That was the sign I was dreading the most. When I noticed that spark was almost gone, I knew that I would have to be the one to end it. I didn't want to hurt his feelings because he meant so much to me, not just as a person, but as a friend. I didn't want to lose him. I tried to hold it off until an event we were both looking forward too had passed, but that wasn't meant to be. I was doing things I shouldn't have been doing, one which was clearly a bad signal to him. I was unintentionally avoiding him. That's what made him realise something wasn't right. We ended up chatting before the event had even started and that's when it happened. It ended just as quickly as it began and I unintentionally ruined the event, not just for him, but for myself as well.

Ever since that day, my friendship with him became tarred and I thought I had lost him. However, after some time we were finally able to chat like old times, and I felt myself grow happy. There was a chance that things could be repaired, and if our friendship could be repaired, then could my damaged heart and soul also be fixed. I knew it would take time, but for now I decided to put love to the back of my mind and just enjoy being myself as much as humanly possibly. I did everything I loved doing. I started to forget about the past more and more. I finally felt as if I was getting somewhere in my life. I had a group of friends who I felt I could finally trust and let my guard down around. Boy was that another mistake I would live to regret. I shouldn't have dropped my guard down so easily, but I did. Idiot.

When someone starts to play with your feelings, you should walk away from them straight away. I didn't do that. I let my feelings be played with. I ended up losing more friends for doing that because I caused unnecessary problems. Big mistake. Things started to get worse for me and the world. A deadly virus hit causing people to become more isolated from the world, and each other. 

My group fell apart and I only had one person in my mind who actually cared if I was there. So yeah, I've not had the easiest of lives, but I've not had the most difficult of lives either. I have finally realised that what people show to everyone isn't necessary their true colours, as everyone hides what they really act like to everyone away. Or so I thought. One person I know has embraced who they truly are and is refusing to let anyone bring them down. That person is an inspiration to me and I wish I had their strength. No matter how many times they've wanted to give up, they keep moving forward. A true survivor. Something I wish I could be. I just watch from the shadows and suffer in silence. This person has become the only source of light in my life as of recently, and I don't want to let them go. I don't want to go back to the darkness. I don't want to repeat any past mistakes. I want to move forward, but I'm scared to do it alone. I don't know who I am, what I am or anything. It scares me. But they're my constant reminder that even if I seem to be alone, they are always there. Even if just as a shining light to guide me the right way. They'll always be there.