the stars in his eyes

tw: again, the mc deals with the death of a family member, deals with depression, and has some very emotionally dark thoughts. i'm so sorry if this triggers you in any way.

anyway, please enjoy :)

I felt the cold, silent tears fall onto my cheeks as my dad pulled the car out of the driveway. My mind wandered to the memories of this house, this town, which only made me cry more. Leaving this place - my home; my mother's home - was so hard, especially without her. But leaving him was harder. Because no house or town compared to the home he was.

~One year later~

Nostalgia hit me like a sharp, unexpected blow. As I opened the car door, the familiar scent of apples and salt filled my nose.

"You okay?"

I turned to my dad, still sitting in the drivers' seat, worry hidden in his blue eyes. I gave him a nod and a small smile despite my heart hammering anxiously in my chest. He wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

I began the walk up the familiar avenue as my dad sped away. I didn't want to drive the rest of the way home with him. I wanted to feel the frigid ground beneath my feet, the freezing ocean breeze rustling my hair. I wanted to hear the pesky bird chirps echoing off the snow-capped pine trees instead of hearing my dad's crappy rock music. I wanted to see the small shops on the main road, my old neighbours who probably wouldn't have even recognised me.

But most of all, I wanted to see him. And sometimes it felt like I did still see him. Still felt him. When I couldn't sleep at 3 am and looked up at the stars, but only saw the ones that used to shine in his eyes. When I'd see the smallest glimpse of someone with his same brown, curly hair. When the whisper of wind was like his breath against my ear.

But then I'd realise that the stars in his eyes shone brighter, and that their hair was too light of a brown, and that it was just the wind. I always knew it wasn't him, but every time, even for the tiniest of moments, I swear my heart skipped a beat.

~~~

My mother had passed away a year and a half ago. My dad and I couldn't stand the constant, overwhelming reminder of her death in the walls of our house. A few months after her passing, my dad had gotten a good job offer a few hours away, so, with the help of my grandparents, we bought a small house closer to his work and rented out this one. It had been perfect, but the contract had ended too soon and they'd wanted my dad back here.

As I stepped through the front door, the weight of the grief I had left behind was so heavy I had to lean against the doorframe to keep my balance. Nonetheless, my knees buckled and I crumpled to the floor. There were too many memories, stories, moments. It was all too much.

I hadn't realised my dad was there until he sat down against the wall beside me, let out a sob that broke my heart and pulled me into his arms as we cried together in the open doorway. I wanted the cool wind to freeze my tears, but they kept coming.

~~~

I vaguely remembered getting up from the couch, hearing my dad calling my name over and over. I vaguely remembered the feel of his icy fingers as he grabbed for my wrist, trying to hold me back; stop me from leaving. But I hadn't known what I was doing, and before I - or he - could stop myself, I was out the front door. I didn't know where I was going but my feet carried me, for all I knew, into oblivion.

The air was freezing and the sun had long since set. Even without my coat, the cold couldn't chill my already frozen soul.

~~~

I couldn't remember how I'd gotten there. Once the tears had started, not only my vision was blurred but my mind as well. I was at my mother's grave, my forehead pressed into the sodden grass. I was so cold now, and not just from the snow that dusted the ground. There was a different kind of cold, emptiness in the deepest parts of my soul that I hadn't felt in over a year.

There was only one person who could fill that void and I didn't even know if he remembered me. If he were still here. I didn't think it was possible, but the tears came at an even more unwavering flow at that.

~~~

It had felt like time and space had ceased to exist.

The sky was bare. No moon and no stars dotted the sky, only a vast expanse of empty darkness that seemed to mirror my soul. I couldn't tell if I was shaking from the cold or the constant sobs. Likely a combination of the two.

I felt the jacket around my shoulders right as I thought that dark, empty void of the universe was going to suck me into a black hole. It was so warm and I felt my incessant tears hesitate for the smallest of moments as I looked up in shock. My eyes were red and swollen from crying, so I wiped them once, twice, and I heard my heart crack as I took in what was before me. And I'm pretty sure he heard it too for his eyes began to well with tears, matching mine.

~~~

I knew why there weren't any stars in the sky. They were all captured in his perfect eyes.

We stared at each other while the tears continued to fall from my eyes, and then began falling from his. It broke my heart even more and I think he could tell because he slowly raised his hand and wiped the tears off my cheeks. He flinched at my skin's coldness, but I could only focus on how warm he was.

I couldn't resist the urge, so I reached a shaky hand up to cup his face. He didn't flinch but instead leaned into my hand as both our tears began to falter. I could have admired him for an eternity but I closed my eyes as he pulled me into his arms.

And just like that,

I was home.