Satan's Tears (Devilman Crybaby Akiryo fanfic)

The only light in this dark world

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[Ryo's P.O.V]

For as long as I can remember, I've lived in darkness. My mind was blank, and I felt numb. I couldn't feel anything but pain and emptiness. Even now I barely understand my emotions. I would have never expected to know anything other than eat, sleep, and kill... but when I met him, it changed. I felt warmth and light. Like something in my head had started to change. The moment our eyes met, I felt what I could only describe as happiness. A sense of belonging. I felt loved. I didn't ever want to hurt him. He was special to me. No one else mattered to me. He taught me things I would never have learned without him. He saved me. Every day felt like a dream when It was just me and Akira. I wanted it to stay like that forever. But as soon as I went off to study, everyone around him tried to take him away. Sure he had other friends, but they wouldn't care for him like I do. They are not his best friends. I am his best friend. They would never understand how much I needed him. He was mine. I thought I would win. I thought everything would go as planned, but he refused. Once he knew about what I wanted, he looked at me with a sour expression. He said I was a bad person. He said I was evil. Akira had never thought of me like that before. He hated me. I just wanted us to be able to stay together forever.. but he didn't understand that all the other humans were bad anyway. There was no hope. He was the only good thing in this world. But he didn't care for me anymore. They ruined him. I tried to protect him, but after I gave him power he left me to rot. I didn't want to make that mistake again. I never understood why it ended like that until I came to terms with it. I became a monster. I was horrible to everyone. I couldn't help it, I'm Satan. It was just what I figured was the right thing to do. But I don't want to see Akira mad at me like that again.

It hurts.

I am cursed to keep restarting my life until I get a good end, but that's just the problem. I don't think He will ever love me the way that I love him. It seems to be impossible.

My mind cried out for help. No one was there. Just me. As it always ends up to be. I'm stuck with myself. But I am a being that is incapable of love unless it's being shared with the only person I care about, so I can't love myself. I need someone to love me. But I don't understand how to get their love. If I never learnt emotions it wouldn't hurt so much, but he showed me love, and then took it away. But, there's still something left. I was always and empty husk, but after I felt something, I couldn't forget it.

Please take it all away! Akira, please.. help me.... I don't want to keep living without you.

I know I don't deserve you, but I wish you would at least put and end to my suffering. How can I get a happy ending? I just want to feel complete. I don't want to hurt anymore. Just once...

Please don't leave me...

I woke up in a new reset. This is the 3rd time I have started a new timeline. I've done the same exact things the other times and somehow forget things so it just repeats almost exactly the same way. But this time I'll try to be a little more careful. The world is the same every time, but to make it easier, this time it starts on the day that Akira first shows up at my house. So if I do the same things i will probably end up in the pool again. Now I actually remember everything that happened this time, as the repetitive mistakes have now imprinted in my brain. I guess I'll just... hmm... I don't know what I should do actually, now that I think about it. I need to do something good. But how do I show affection?? I need to google this for the sake of my life. Hopefully Akira doesn't find it suspicious that I all of a sudden understand humans better than before. I need to find something better than hugging since that's what I do all the time. Maybe a handshake? No that's just going to get annoying. I heard footsteps approaching, and I frantically wiggled trying to get up. I can't talk to him just yet! I'm not ready for an interaction!! I fell off my bed and hid under it. Dammit, I can't bring my laptop under here... "Hey... Ryo? Are you in here?" I heard Akira calling out my name as he walked into my room. He didn't even knock...