The Lunatics 2: Push Tumble & Fall

One Week Later

One week later I woke up at Laurels in my bed with a saline IV stuck on my arm. I was in the same bra and panties I had on before I had lost consciousness at the Basement Bazaar.

"Nice," I said to myself. My throat was sore.

Tuesday had moved into my room. They'd switched the bed and the dresser around to help us cope with Loxi's loss. To make it less sad that she was missing from Laurels, from our shared room, and that she'd never be back again.

Reunion is what James and Jude had named the antidote to Remedy. The missing ingredient was Jude's tears. The cure had worked for me, and DeaDorian thought it would work on the others, too. Maybe there wouldn't be more suicides by hangings for the rest of the summer. The Red Heart Rash would be a memory, a wrinkle in time. We'd go back to fixing the people, and I'd start fresh and spend some time on my own.

As much as you want to believe, you can't go through loss unscathed. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, that's how the saying goes? I'll be really strong by the winter, and I was looking forward to spending time with the new version of myself. Straight-edge, rough around the edges, and soft on the inside.

I pressed the palm of my hand on my heart. I knew now this was my greatest possession. It could love, it could break, it could feel, it would intuitively lead me, it believed in me. It turned out everything I ever needed to feel True Love was inside my rib cage, beating a steady 60 per minute, rushing red blood through my blue veins. It was me; I was my greatest love of all.

And then there was my faith, not in The Moon, or in a God, or in Saints, or in crystals, or in some spell. The faith I needed was the faith in me.

"Some story huh," said Tuesday. "With James & Jude?" She sounded more grown up. Loss had stolen her innocence.

"Did you take any pictures of James and Jude?" I said in a whisper still trying to wake up.

Tuesday smiled and shook her head. "Nah. I'm giving up my photography career. Pics? Well, they were mainly for her."

I sat up on the bed and pulled out the IV. My collarbone was almost breaking my flesh. I sat next to Tuesday and put my arm around her.

"You need a shower," said Tuesday.

"I've been trying to take one for a week," I smiled.

I wanted to say something to her about how things would get better and how Loxi would always be in our hearts or whatever it is that you say in these situations, but nothing came. Instead, the comfort of being next to one another was enough.

"I need to eat something. Did they feed me anything while I slept?"

"Do you think she did it on purpose?" Tuesday asked.

"Suicide? Never." I said it without giving it a second thought because if there was anything Loxi was not, it was cowardly. "She just, I don't know, I think she just wanted to feel something she thought she was never going to get to feel. So Remedy took over her mind, and it was Remedy that hung Loxi. That's the way I look at it."

"I think you're right," said Tuesday.

"I know I am," I said.

Tuesday pulled out a couple of pictures from her back pocket. One of the Polaroids was the one her and Loxi had taken that night at the RedEye when we had the Thirteen-Seven/Jude show. Loxi had puckered up her lips, and Tuesday had accidentally closed her eyes. The second photo was Loxi and I sitting side by side on the sidewalk outside the cemetery. It was the night we had Blissed Wrecked Girl. Both of us looked directly into the lens with less than happy expressions. I was dressed in black on black to Loxi's white on white. Tuesday had written with a sharpie on the frame of the photo, #AfterParty, Girls by GraveYard.

"I still can't believe this," said Tuesday.

"We never understand why stuff happens sometimes, and people can look completely normal on the outside and be screwed up on the inside. That's why you have to listen closely when Silence shows up; to the things that are said between the lines. You may save someone's life."

"This is our fault we should've listened closer." Tears ran down Tuesday's plump cheeks and even though we were almost the same age, I was like three times older than her in soul years.

"This is not our fault," I said.

I pulled Tuesday in closer and noticed her freshly tattooed Spirals on the inside of her wrists. "When did you get those done? That's such a great place to put them."

"While you were sleeping," said Tuesday.

"Congrats." I said. "You're officially a Lunatic."

"Just saline to keep you hydrated," said Tuesday.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"That's all they fed you. Saline."

"That explains why I am starving," I said.

***

I finally took the shower I'd been waiting to take for almost a weeks. I stood under the hot water and watched the steam rise. I had a new appreciation for the wetness of the water and how clean it made me feel. I stayed in the steam for twenty minutes.

I sat on my bed with the towel around me. Tuesday had gone downstairs to get me something to eat.

I grabbed the phone and scrolled through my text messages and saw Jonathan's last text message he'd sent me before we broke up.

I'll be right there baby.

Myla: Hi

I wrote it but didn't send it.

Life was different now.

Nothing from the past was welcome anymore.

Besides.

It was almost six-thirty, and I had to get ready for the FareWell Party.

***