Dear Park Jay ⚊ Letter Series #1

letter six

Dear Park Jay,

Guess who I ran into today? I was on my way to finally reveal myself as your girlfriend and we'll do it in your group's personal studio, but before I could go there, I got and found myself meeting Kim Taehyung of BTS.

He stared at me for a minute before patting my shoulder, silently apologizing for your death and it surprised me how he knows so much about me when he said you never shut up about your secret girlfriend.

I wish that I could have run to that sasaeng instead. Seeing Kim Taehyung was no help because simply looking at his face reminds me of you saying he was your favorite BTS member. It didn't even help that it made me so angry to see the way he brings himself in fashion was so like you in many ways.

And the moment I got in front of the camera with the boys surrounding me behind, I was frozen for a long time in that Vlive session. The title they inserted is Park Jay's Secret Girlfriend Is Here To Say Something.

It makes me so scared and angry at the same time to read over the mixed reactions. Some were shock. Some were just downright too much about their comments. But with the support of your friends, I pulled through and this is what I say to them.

"I met him before everyone knew him as Jay of Enhypen. He's already a trainee of Bighit then, and I was already there for him before the spotlight even hits him for the first time. He never changed. He always stayed humble and too friendly for his own good, but deep inside, he's a human too. He felt insecurites about how he was not goodlooking enough as Sunghoon.

He felt alone being the only son, and in Enhypen, did he say to me that he have found six brothers that he found was what more than he wished for.

He never did any reason for me to doubt him. He was just nothing, but a boy who has come to love me more than he loves himself.

And every night as he felt me drifting away a bit since his debut because of him having no time for me anymore, he never stopped sending me of those words. I love you accompanied by please stay with me.

I love you. Please just hold on to me and all will be fine.

Now that he's gone, I regretted it all the time because we had a big fight the same night of the accident. I told him if that he didn't visit me, I'll let go of him and everything about us will be over.

I didn't mean it, of course. I was just having a hard time from my work then  I will see him being linked to that girl and all I wanted was to see him, to maybe see in his eyes that it was still me.

Only for that same night for him to desire in proving it to me. He left in a rush from their dorms, and I wasn't answering to any of his calls even if I was watching it all from my bedroom.

Then his last message to me said that a car was following him.

That's it.

And I just woked up next time by his manager calling me to go to this hospital. By the time I go there unprepared for anything, he was already announced as dead-on-arrival.

There I saw him in the Emergency room, bathing in his own blood. He was almost unrecognizable. His eyes never open up to assure me that he's still there for me. All I see before the nurses brought him down to the morgue is his hand holding onto his phone.

They give it to me later, saying there was an unsent text and it has my name on it. Do you want to know what it says?

'I love you, Y/N. I hope you will not ever forget that'

And I -"

It all ended there for me when I just left the studio and runs all the way down to my car. I feel like I'm done with crying over you for everyone to see. It scares me because by then, I'm starting to get angry.

Things would turn out so much better if I just didn't demanded you to see me that night and maybe you'll still be here.

I'm sorry I couldn't save you, Jay.

love, Y/N