Submitting To My Bodyguards (ManxboyxMan)

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Look the best when you wake up,
That's why we don't get,
Outta my bed, outta my bed.

S K Y E 

I found myself exhausted and curled up in bed. I'd worked so hard all day recording the song that my throat was sore, my head hurt, I physically couldn't stand another moment and I swear if someone else mutters the words 'can we get a retape' again tonight, I'll cry. I have not yet broken down into tears, but I sure felt like it a few times. The producers were all super nice, but I was really struggling to keep up with their instructions because I wasn't used to them. It was a whole lot different, recording a professional song versus one recorded at home. I can redo it, and it doesn't have to be done all at one time because I work for myself for free. It can be started, stopped, started, and stopped again. It didn't matter, and because I was producing for myself, I didn't have to worry about deadlines. 

Now I do. 

I knew that it'd be an adjustment to come out to LA and get a record deal and produce songs and videos. It's so amazing how simple everything looks from the outside, but when you're really in those studios recording tracks, writing songs, and collaborating... it's stressful. All of your ideas can be picked apart and denied. I know that it'll get easier for me to speak up and for my ideas to be listened to, with time. I just wasn't sure if I'd ever really fit in out here in the big city. 

I'm a small-town boy and this is a big city full of people who grew up with a Starbucks and a McDonalds' in town... I grew up with a Java hut and Burger Den. The only store in town was Piggly wiggly, and I had to drive two hours to get to the nearest Walmart. It was a whole lot different from here. I wasn't sure exactly what I was expecting the big city to be like, but I didn't expect to miss home so much. 

I hated being in that small town before I came here, but I miss it now. I'm sure once I've settled in down here I'll be okay, once I have some friends, maybe a partner... but it's difficult as hell being all by myself out here. It's just lonely, I mean, I feel so alienated right now. 

I sighed deeply and laid back in the bed, wishing that Ace or Abel were here with me. I knew that they were just in the living room area, but I was not feeling very social so going in there would just bring them down with me and I didn't want them both to be in a bad mood too. I also just wanted to rest my brain from all the noise. I contemplated asking them if they'd like to watch a movie with the sound low, but I figured that'd be in poor taste. I still don't really know what to say to them, really, because of what happened. I still felt very embarrassed about it, so I wasn't sure exactly how to approach them. 

I rolled over onto my stomach and sighed deeply, burying my face in the pillow. A knock at the door made me glance up and I called out a yes. "We're going to a bar, we'll be back in a few hours." Abel called, and I shouted my agreeance, despite wanting them to stay I have no reason to ask them to, so I couldn't really do anything about it. I heard the front door shut and I screamed out  my confusion and frustration into the pillow. 

-   -   -

The front door to the hotel room opened, and I groaned and rolled over, grabbing my phone. I saw that it was currently four am, and the two were just getting back. I couldn't help but feel jealous over it, but I forced it down and laid in silence as I listened to the two make a huge rukus in the livingroom area. 

"Fuck, be quiet Abel," Ace said, and I heard something knock over. "You really don't know how to be quiet." Ace scolded again, and I figured he thought he was being quieter, despite him yelling. I rolled my eyes and rolled over on the bed, facing away from the door, looking over the blinds. It wasn't light outside yet, but I knew that it was coming soon and I felt dread about that. I didn't have anything to do today yet, but I knew that it wouldn't be long before they'd want me to go do something and I wasn't really up to it. I sighed deeply.