Letters to a friend

Letter Four

Hey friend with no name..

It got worse. Not a single day passed of me not crying. I've been horrendously crying myself to sleep. I've been putting away all my work. I have no interest in life anymore. I'm so tired. I once saw in a Korean show that if you drink soju (an alcohol drink) when you're sad, it will taste bitter. Does this apply to normal food too? Not that the food that I eat tastes bitter, it just doesn't taste like anything to me. I had so many favourite dishes, but now I can't even name one. Nothing tastes good. I'm so sad. I hope this doesn't come from my sadness, but more because of global change. I really don't want my sadness to be the reason why I don't like food anymore.
The worst part is, on some days, I eat too much because my stomach just feels so empty. And I just can't stop eating?! And then the food doesn't even taste like anything and I just feel so miserable.
Okay, I need to confess something to you, dear friend. There have been days I wished to die. I'm not trying to say I'm suicidal, I really am not. It's just.. I don't know how to explain it.. I just don't want to be alive. Or maybe I just don't want to continue this life.
I hate these thoughts and feelings. I hate that they appear a lot during the day too.
I can't even say that I'm not searching for help. I told my mom how I felt, I even broke down in front of her, crying and crying and she didn't really say the words that I needed to hear. She told me to not give up and keep going.. but I wanted her to tell me that it's okay to quit everything that.. hurts me? You know? I want to quit guitar school because it was just really physically draining to me and my mental health. My mom doesn't want me to quit and retake the exams because my family invested so much money already into it. But I.. I just can't go there anymore. I can't even play guitar perfectly. If I should pass the exam then only because I would have luck.
I also don't want to keep on playing. I don't even do it for myself anymore. I do it to please everyone around me.
That's also why I want to run away, dear friend.
I want to go so far, far away from everyone and everything. Don't get me wrong, I have amazing friends and my family really loves me.. But I have been breaking down so much. I have told glimpses of my feelings and got rejected by the people I trusted them to. I don't want to burden anyone. But I also don't want to be here. Them not caring is a burden to me too. I just want to retake my life. Be my own person. And heal.
And I can't do that here anymore.
I'm sorry, I wrote to you so much, dear friend.
But I miss you. I want you back. But you don't exist anymore, do you?
Where will I find you again?

Yours, m.