Memories

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My whole life since summer fifteen has been a miserable sense of fogginess and murkiness, of unfinished memories and pain. I've always felt like a part of me was dying, my twisted memories left me to feel incomplete, and confused as to who I was.

A part of me was dying every day, but I just thought it was because of the migraines and the constant feeling of neglect, I thought I discovered that it was because there was so much I didn't know about myself, about the liars, about my family and the history behind it as a result of my accident.

For two years a part of me was dying every day and I thought it would only be healed when I discovered the truth, when I could remember. When there was no pain, I wouldn't be dying everyday if there was no pain. There is no such thing as living if your living in pain.

But today I discovered the truth. The truth I had been manifesting on this whole summer. The truth I had been hoping for for two years, the truth I thought would make me whole again. If anything it left me empty.

All the pain for the past two years
All the pain of my dad leaving for a woman he loved more than me
All the pain of the pills not working
All the pain it was for Gat to leave
All the pain I saw in my mothers eyes
All the pain of the Sinclair family bitterness
All the pain of my pity
All the pain of my migraines and headaches and vomiting and despair, al the pain of my life wrapped into one body couldn't compete with what I was facing now.

I know the truth about summer fifteen.  The hope I had that the truth would patch up the dying parts of me, once I remembered who I was, that truth tore me, it killed me. It looked me right in the eye, raised a gun with a tight certain grip, grinned at the sight of sorrow in my eye and shot me. But the bullet it shot killed me, unlike all the other tragedies in my life, they merely let my scare and bleed and give me sorrow. This one killed me and way worse.

The exact thing I hoped to fix me, broke me. And I wonder why I wished for it at all.

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⏰ Last updated: May 15, 2021 ⏰

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