uhhh idk what this actually is.

14/05/21

i feel like i am done.

i am a month away from turning 17 and i don't think i'll make it. i am so tired of just being an inconvenience to people within their daily lives and it feels like i am at wits end with my sister. i am tired of the arguing and the comments. i am tired of being a disappointment to my mother and father as i know i am never going to get anywhere in life.

my mind is slowly deteriorating . simple tasks confuse me. simple questions overload my thinking capacity. what good am i to the world? in the worlds eye i am a failure. a coward. someone who just wasn't cut out to be a survivor in this horrible world we live in. 

i leave on the 29th and come back on the 6th. it is only a matter of time before i give in and leave this earth. i need to tie up loose ends before hand and make sure my exit of this world is without problems.

i shouldn't feel like this. i honest to god shouldn't, but what choice do i have? i have felt this way for years, longer than i can count and nothing has helped. my past choices to meet people, be friends with them and even fall in love with them ends up with things even worse than before.

i am by no means a perfect person, but i try to make things better and i just want to help everyone i can, even though i am not capable of helping myself. funny, isn't it? i can't even help myself but i want to help and save others from their demons and mistakes.

i look at jade, lucy and kirsty and see they've actually done something within their lives. jade has a house, two kids which she adores and loves. she's fought plenty of battles but she's still here, and i'm proud of her for that.

lucy has her own house too, her own car, her own job, a loving boyfriend.. everything she could want. she's working towards pathing herself a future career and doing a brilliant job at it. 

kirsty.. i know i never get on with you. we're constantly arguing over something stupid and i'm sorry for that. i truly am. you're one of the best people i've ever met and all you want to do is help people, i know you do but you are stuck in a dead end job that is stressing you out to all mighty hell. i wish i could repay you for the amount of times we've sat there and just talked about life, it helped. so much. more than you could ever know.

father.. i know you have good intentions with telling me about females and all that, but i need you to understand, that the one relationship i had with a female ruined it for me. every girl i see that i remotely find pretty just reminds me of everything she put me through and it is too much to bare. i am sorry. i am sorry i was never as smart as lucy or as thought out as jade. i really am.

mother.. i don't know how i'd do it without hurting you. i know my existence isn't great for you even though you care and love me, i know the truth and i am so sorry i was what came out of that. you tried to give me the best life while away working and i am grateful for that, i truly am. 

nana.. i'm sorry. i am sorry i cause so much stress. my sleeping. my eating. you are 83 this year and shouldn't have to deal with it. i know you shouldn't. i love you to the moon and back and i only wish the best for you.

my brothers. im sorry. i am so so sorry for what i will eventually do. i fucking love you all and i couldn't have wished to know better people over the last 6 years, you all hold a special place in my heart even though we don't always get along, you've never left me. at all. and i thank you for that, you have pulled me out of dark places when i saw no light left for me. 

rachel and max. you two are the only people i'd consider my best friends. i know i'm not the best at answering. i know that. i've never been a brilliant friend and i'm not sure why you still put up with me. but i thank you both, and i'm sorry.