The Deep Black Sea

Three and a half hours had passed since we left Cannes on a mid-sized motorboat. My daughter was navigating us through the Mediterranean Sea and I was sitting in the backseat.

The view was breathtaking. The swelling waves, the smell of the sea breeze, and the sapphire blue sky. This could be my everyday life. I once dreamed of being a marine biologist, but a series of circumstances prevented me from reaching the depths of the ocean. Without any planning, I conceived a baby who sixteen years later turned out to be a fierce young woman holding the steering wheel right now.

Her damp almond hair was flowing ever so freely as we cruised at high speed. I recognized a pair of blue eyes that belonged to my ex adhered to her strong-featured face. She was now a high school sophomore, a rather bright kid I might say. I didn't know how bright she was exactly, but I knew she liked to write although I never taught her. Needless to say, I had been her sole inspiration although I often shut her off.

Sometimes, I wonder how successful I would be if she hadn't come into this world. A doctoral degree in my early 30s, a submerged laboratory all to myself, maybe even a Nobel prize to brag about at parties. Instead of pursuing a career as a scientist, I had to opt for a job in journalism which required less time and effort.

Even though I had been celibate since giving birth to her, I couldn't seem to piece my life together. She had been in the way of achieving my dreams, and she will always be. I never expected anything out of her, I didn't even wish her to survive past five. Yet here she is, living and breathing without ever knowing the origin of her story.

I stared into the waters, its hue a dark blue. I couldn't see signs of any fish surfacing. From the side of this motorboat, I let out my right hand to feel the warm water hitting my fingertips. The upwelling wasn't here, so maybe life centered deeper in the sea.

There are four main zones of the ocean: the Sunlight Zone, the Twilight Zone, the Midnight Zone, and the Abyssal Zone. The Sunlight Zone refers to the part of the sea where photosynthesis occurs for its abundance of sunshine, hence its name. The Abyssopelagic Zone is measured over 5000 meters deep into the seafloor, which is the maximum depth of this sea. No light penetrates beyond the Twilight Zone, therefore it must be pitch-black down there.

How's life without light beaconing? Cold and somber, like an entire lifetime without love. That is exactly what I felt, all those years wasted to nurture a kid I never wanted. Moreover, I pushed everyone who tried to enter the niche of my broken heart away. They would leave anyway after knowing the monstrosity that I embodied. Only a wicked man would love a woman who tried to murder her own blood and flesh.

Despite the wind sweeping past my face, my eyelids drooped in exhaustion. We traveled to Cannes for a business trip of mine. She was just tailing me here, staying at the hotel or God knows anywhere else while I chased film directors for an interview and pulled some all-nighters to write articles. According to the itinerary, this was supposed to be our last day in Cannes and I had no work left to do.

In my mind, I pictured my mother sitting across the dining table, silently sipping her soup. That was the day after I told her about the pregnancy, as well as my intention of terminating it. She clearly wasn't happy about it. We got into a heated argument. Although technically I won the debate, reality washed over me and I decided to keep the baby. Some weeks later, I left the baby's father because I couldn't bear all the shame in front of him. I ended up raising her by myself.

Sixteen years and counting. That's how long I had been hiding in faux happiness, deceiving myself that there was a greater purpose in every mistake I made.

All of a sudden, the motorboat stopped moving. My eyes snapped open in surprise.

"Mom," I heard a voice that sounded like it came from afar, "I've got something to tell you."