Outside

Chapter 10

My chest burns, and I wasn't even the one who got shot. My heart feels like it completely stopped. My lungs feel like immovable steel.

"No." I wheeze. "Please, no."

"What's...? Oh." Drew turns around. "That doesn't look good."

"No... no... no... This isn't actually happening, right?" I can only manage to whisper as tears stream down my face. "I can't lose you, Kyan. I can't." I wrap my arms around him. He's still breathing, but the blood stain keeps expanding. "I can't live without you!"

"It's ok." He says. His voice is quiet, but I can still hear him. "You'll be fine. Please, promise me you'll be fine, ok?" He starts coughing so hard I'm afraid he won't take another breath.

"I need you!" I cry out. "I need you. Please, don't leave me!" I pull his face close to mine. "Please! Kyan, please!"

Kyan was right. Leaving the Aequa was a mistake, and now I'll have to live with the fact that it's my fault we left, and my fault he's going to die. My longing for freedom ended up putting his life at risk. I can't let him die. I can't. If I didn't drag him into the Outside, if I didn't run faster to the van, if I didn't make sure the coast was 100% clear before pulling him across the parking lot, he'd be ok. It's all my fault. Everything is. My adrenaline-centered actions have really, really hurt him. If I only got exiled earlier, maybe we wouldn't be close enough for him to stand up for me...

I could have easily done it. If I could go back in time, I would do it. He'd be safe, and that would be all that mattered. Fate must have something against me, because I seem to always do everything wrong.

"Hey, Noxie?" Kyan mutters, half-audible.

"Yeah?"

"Promise me you... you won't let this destroy you." He mutters. "That you'll get past this, heal, and find..." he starts to tear up, which just makes me cry harder.

"Find what...?"

"Find someone you can love back...".

"Kyan... what's... what's that supposed to mean...?"

"I'm sorry..." he takes a break between sentences to whimper in pain. "I thought... I thought it was always so obvious I have feelings for you."

"Kyan..."

"No, but that just means... you'll get over me faster, right?" A pained smile appears on his tear-stained face. "Because you never loved me back."

"Don't... say that. You know you're my—"

"Best friend? Mhm...". He grimaces, pressing his hands firmer and firmer where the bullet hit. "I guess it was stupid of me to think even for a second that... that how I felt towards you was mutual. That I meant something... more... to you."

"You mean so much to me! Key, you mean everything to me!"

"Then... Then why does it feel like 90% of our friendship... or all of it... was just you pitying me?" He confesses.

"I don't pity you! I genuinely care about you!"

When Occi said he had pent up feelings I should talk to him about, I couldn't have imagined them to have been this bad. I don't even know what to say to him. They could be the last things I say to him, but I don't know what would even be comforting to hear from me right now.

"Maybe this is for the best." Kyan continues. "I'm... I'm sick of... of playing equals with your new best friend who you value the same..."

"I don't--"