Poems for the Broken

Dark and Twisted

He was sweet and funny; tall with a nice smile.  Through it all I never imagined the pain, terror, fear, hatred, anger, that would become of it.  When were young we don't think about those things.  We don't understand, so we look past the red flags and except the mistreatment as normal.  It's not normal.  Crying yourself to sleep isn't normal.  This isn't normal.

Hi love, I just want to say I'm sorry, I never meant to mess up the way I did.  Sometimes when I can't sleep at night I think about you.  I actually think about you a lot.  If you would've had my eyes, my smile, his freckles.  I hope you know that I will always love you.  I miss you, I don't even know you but I miss you.  I told your grandpa about you.  He didn't care much, called it a mistake.  I mean that it was but you weren't.  You were real and I'm so sorry I lost you.  Although it was probably for the best I do hope that you are okay now.  Enjoy heaven my angel.

When I was in kindergarten I had a crush on a boy, he would always say that I was beautiful and compliment my outfits.  He gave me a book and a Princess Leia doll.  When I was six years old I had a crush on a boy.  He was sweet and funny, athletic and outgoing.  The whole package in my mind.  I would daydream about the day I was going to be old enough to date so we could finally go out and get to know each other.  I obsessed over him for years but of course it never amounted to anything and only lead to embarrassment.  After that I started liking my best friends older brother.  It was never a large crush so I never told anyone about it, but I secretly always hoped we'd end up together.  As fate would have it I moved across the country and left everything and everyone I knew.  Then there was the football player; he was tall and kind, once again, the "whole package."  He was the first guy to ever ask me out.  The first guy that I actually thought was going to be my first boyfriend.  Of course it didn't last, I was still very attached for a long time.  After that there was the senior my freshman year.  He wasn't the cutest, but he was nice and funny.  That didn't last though, one second he was the nicest guy I knew and the next the worst.  He caused me to do things I never thought I would.  He was my first kiss, and my first other things as well, but I could never go all the way with him.  I don't know what it was but I just couldn't do it.  He never made me feel safe, maybe momentarily but he always ended up hurting me.  I'll never forget about the time I realized that I had been molested.  We were making out in his truck and he had a boner on my leg.  I suddenly had a flashback to when I was about 8 or 9.  My moms boss wanted to go to the movies with me and my mom agreed to let me go.  We were in the theater and it was a little cold, suddenly he picked me up and put me on his lap.  He had a boner and made me sit on it.  He continued to hold me down and kiss the top of my head and my cheeks.  He would try to kiss my lips but I wouldn't let him.  Up until that moment I never knew what exactly that was, but now I do.  I hate him for this.  After the senior was my first real relationship.  It was exciting and full of love and comfort.  He made me feel a type of love I didn't even know existed.  He was there to hold me while I cried and bring me soup and pill formed NyQuil when I was sick.  It was amazing at first.  For the first time I thought I'd finally made it, I had finally found out what love truly was.  Then came the Achilles heel.  We were messing around and I forgot that I hadn't taken the pill for a few days.  He never went inside of me completely but it did go slightly inside and on top of me.  After it happened we both freaked out.  I remember running into the bathroom with tears in my eyes.  He was already in the bathroom and I will never forget the look he had on his face, sheer terror.  I went back in the pill that night so we both thought nothing of it.  And then a few weeks later came.  I got super sick, couldn't keep food down, was having major breast pains, headaches, and cramps like I'd never had them before.  I didn't tell him but I new.  I was having a miscarriage.  I of course denied it over and over and just said that maybe I just have the flu.  This wasn't the flu.  This was the worst physical and emotional pain I had ever been through.  It was hell.  I was living through hell.  I of course told nobody and the symptoms left after a week or so.  After that we hung out to exchange Christmas gifts, little did I know this would be the last time we'd ever hang out.  I got him a cooking for dummies book with printed pictures of us inside the book and he got me a period pet with lavender essential oil and lots of almond joys.  He also gave me a bracelet with the date of our first kiss on it.  It was amazing, perfect some may say.  After we exchanged gifts we cuddled on his bed for a bit.  There was a moment where he put his hand on my belly.  I lost it.  I started balling my eyes out and told him everything.  But I told him I thought I was pregnant, it still hadn't registered in my head that I had a miscarriage.  He of course he also freaked out but told me that I needed to tell my parents and take a test.  Those next few moments were the saddest moments of our entire relationship.  I new then that that would be the last time we would ever be together like this and that things would never be the same.  Once I got home I told my dad; I thought he was going to hit me he was so mad.  I remember every detail of that night.  I remember anxiously waiting for my brother and dad to get back home with the pregnancy test.  I remember taking it and praying to god that I wasn't pregnant.  I remember feeling pregnant.  I remember not feeling pregnant.  I remember when the results were negative.  I remember telling my dad and having him yell at me.  I remember crying myself to sleep.  I remember taking all the blame for my boyfriend.  Three days later he left me.  After that there was a lot of mess, I don't remember much from those next few months.  I tried to move on, even had a rebound.  Nothing would fix the pain I felt.  It was worse than anything I'd ever felt.  It would hit at random times and wash over like a wave covering me in grief and regret.  Then many months later there was a guy, he was sweet and smart.  He made me feel safe, it was like talking to someone who I had known my whole life with him.  But of course, God had different plans for both of us.  Then, over a year later I met a guy at work.  He was strong and protective, he made me feel safe and free all at the same time.  I never let myself get attached to him though, he had pain of his own he hadn't dealt with.  Thankfully he was able to work things out with his ex and they're stronger than ever.  In all of this there have been ups and downs.  It's been very good, and very bad.  My only question is how did I go from looking forward to having my first kiss and getting butterflies for the first time and looking forward to the day I could just talk to someone who loved me to taking a pregnancy test and finding out I was molested and worst of all having a miscarriage.  Why did I let them do this to me.  I have lost myself; for that I am truly sorry.  If I could say something to my old self, it would be that life isn't always what it's cracked up to be.  Be careful, guard yourself, don't be naive and don't let them walk over you.  Because at the end of the day those are the things that change you into someone you never wanted to be.  Goodnight.  I love you.