The Hourglass.

#39: Forty Three.

At forty three,

I decided to take you to our old high school that day. You were confused and asked me why I took you here. It was almost as if I can feel my heart beating two times faster, though, remembering the days when you were not there for me and remembering the times when I was at my worst. So I told you a tale to answer your question.

"One day there's a depressed girl going in to our school. She was always sad everyday just because she felt like she was left out by everyone. She was always walking alone in this school hallways, being that unnoticed girl you'd never realise her existence." I told. "And you know what, Ev? That girl was me. I was sad and depressed back then. Even I was a cutter. And you know why? I was feeling down because I thought I lost you. We were best friends since God knows how long. And I felt like I was stupid for wanting to be more than just best friends when in truth you never even saw me as a friend back then in high school. When we passed each other in the hallways, you always looked away. When we had the same class every Thursday, you never even took a glance at me and said hi. And you know what? It hurt me. But maybe I was already in too deep for you, that's why I never really got angry for what you did to me. And even worse, I always forgave you."

You were about to say something in return when I cut you off by continuing, "Evan, I know you're sad because the love of your life passed away and that's okay. But you need to know, Caroline still loved you even in the last moment she breathed. Damn you, Evan, even Caroline still loves you now. From somewhere she's already happy in without the fucking cancer. But Ev, you still have people to love and care about and you just can't stay where you are right now and grieving for Carol when you clearly know it's not the way Carol wants you to continue your life. You know you're luckier than me for having the love of your life still loving you even in the last breathe of her life. While there's me, a fucking forty three year old single woman whose love of life never sees her the way she wants him to. Just because all she wants was for him to continue his life with happiness." I was sobbing shit just right after I finished my stupid speech.

And all you could do was stare at me, looking at me as if I was insane. So I told you, "I would never lie, Evan. I love you, yes indeed. But you love her and that's okay. I have loved you for all my life and that's okay even if you don't return my feelings. Throughout the whole time we've known each other, I'd never really asked you to love me back, had I? So that's okay, I know you are sad but you don't need to be depressed. I'm here for you, as a best friend if that's what's best. But I promise you I'd never leave you and the girls. That's because I love you."

And surprisingly, you kissed me.