2019-2021

This is my life

28th March 2019  (the day before my 14th birthday)
It all began the day I was going on my once a month grandma- granddaughter date. We both chose to go to Bella Italia. Everything was normal, we both talked about our recent activities, had a laugh and decided on what we fancied to eat. We reach our destination and was seated on a table for 2. It was quiet that day, which was suspected for a weekday or this was a sign that something bad was going to happen. I had ordered a margarita pizza with a chocolate brownie on the side and my grandma had ordered some sort of fish dish with half a lager ( as usual). We both then went on our phones for a bit which was common and normally happened every time we went out for a meal. Then I remember how she looked up at me, like she had seen death right in my eyes. Then she put down the phone and said "MRS I have to tell you something" (MRS was her nickname for me as it is my initials) " I look back at her with confusion and remorse. She then persists "I shouldn't really be telling you this at this time and moment but I have to tell you, your Grandad told me that your father had tried to commit suicide twice" she says with sympathy. My heart sank, I was speechless like I didn't know what to say or how to say it. Me and my "father" had distanced a lot as I grew up and we barely spoke but this still did something to me but I can't explain. I just nodded like a psychopath who had no feelings or anything. My grandma softly said "I don't want you to worry about it" it's all I could ever think of, but I put a brave face on for my grandma, I didn't want her to see me cry and especially not in the middle of a restaurant. Later that evening after stuffing our faces like nothing happened I was finally at home. I kissed and waved goodbye to my grandma and greeted my mum. Before she could ask "how it was" I just burst down into tears, I had been holding it in for so long now it was in control of when I cried. My mum sat me down in the kitchen/dining room and asked "what's wrong meme" (meme is also a nickname, when I was younger it was all about me me me, so yeh but anyways) I couldn't speak so I told her to ring grandma for her to tell my mum. I'm still sat their letting out all my pain and sadness. after my mum had finished the phone call she hugged me, tighter than ever, like I would never see her again. She let me cry into her shoulder whilst rubbing my back, telling me that everything was gonna be "alright". After I calmed down she said to me "since it's your birthday tomorrow you can open your surprise present now to cheer you up" I agreed. She handed me a pink and white striped bag and I was excited still with tears rolling down my eyes. When I opened it up and reached my hand inside I was shocked. ( it was the box set of one of my favourite tv series called not going out) I was so happy I was now crying at the fact that she got me that. I was a complete wreck. But my best friend... my mother helped me through my terrible night. To this day whenever a person jokes about suicide I become really defensive and take the situation serious.

29th March 2019 (my 14th birthday)
It was my 14th birthday and yet I still had school. It was a Friday. For my birthday I was going to have a couple of mates sleep over and order some food. One of them couldn't come due to family issues or something. As me and my mate reached my house we settled in when there was a knock at the front door. My dog was first to react by his deep, deafening bark. I rushed downstairs and opened the door. It was my grandad (my dads dad). He's never come to see me on my birthday only send a card with money inside so I was surprised. I wasn't ever expecting it. Before I got a chance to say "hello" he began singing happy birthday. But something was off, I just knew it. He kept looking to his left side like someone was standing there with a gun to his head. But I thought nothing of it until he constantly keep looking to the left. As he finished the song I peered around the corner to see my dad. I was stunned, like I had just seen the most amazing magic trick ever. I didn't know what to do, I was excited, scared, happy, sad. But I remember the way he said " hey you" like we was in a movie where a reunion takes place. He hugged me tight and all that was flowing through my mind was the "suicide", I asked how he was, he looked well, had a bit of meat on him but he always looked like that, ever since him and my mum broke up he put on weight. I missed this, I missed us. Our relationship was one of the best things I had as a kid. I really thought this was gonna be our connection that brings us closer than ever, once again. But in reality this was my fall of the noblemen...