confessions for my mother and father

4.

But mother, even after telling you those three stories, I am going to tell you about a moment that tops all of the three in pain, anger and self hate.
It was the night of August 25th. The night that you mum, the night that you hurt me more than any other person could ever, and will ever hurt me.
The night you told me you wish you had never had me.
You probably don't remember the night, but I do, vividly, as it plays in my mind every time I think about you, every time I ever think about our relationship, every time I think about any moment I have ever had with you.
It still makes me cry, I am even crying whilst writing this.
The night started of great, we had gone out for the night, to watch a magic show as the 'happy family' that we were. You got a bit too drunk, and I called you out on this. That is what made you angry. That is what created this association that I have with you and this moment. You started off just saying things like 'You are such a nasty and ungreatfull daughter' nothing new, nothing I had never heard before. You were being loud, and moody, I tried to make up with you, but you didn't stop saying very nasty things to me. As it was also making my younger brother sad, as you were targeting and insulting me saying things like you are worthless and nasty, I decided to pay for a taxi to go home, and I left you with dad.
I put my brother to bed, and straight after this you came home. Obviously us leaving had got you more malicious, and it was then where you said the words 'I wish you had never been born'.
It's the fact that you didn't only say it once, but multiple different times whilst shouting out many other nasty things at me.
This was two weeks before starting university. It was supposed to be our special outing, as a goodbye.
So I then went off to University thinking that even my own mother hated and didn't want me.
What made it feel even worse though, was that after travelling for three days straight, just to come home and see you after so many months, after about three hours of me being there, you start talking about how much better you are as a family whilst i'm not there. This probably was a joke, or just something said in the moment, but after what happened on that 25th of August, it just made me feel so shit about myself. It is now almost a year in the future and I still cry about it. My sexual assaults feel like nothing in comparison to this pain. I just wished that I knew and thought that you actually love me, because after that night I have doubted it every time we talk.