IZUKU'S GHOST

ten: the end

But I did wake up. I woke up sometime in the afternoon. My phone was buzzing with messages from the class group chat. Yaoyorozu was having a party tonight. I didn't know if I wanted to go or stay here. I didn't know if I could stay here. I looked at the desk where my clothes from yesterday were, now washed and folded. 

Yesterday at school I had cornered All Might during training and asked him what does he do about the people that he doesn't save. He insisted that as the symbol of peace he saves everyone. So I asked him what happens if he kills someone, a bad guy, in the process. Then what? He said he would never accidently kill someone and not to think of things like that. He said only villains kill people. A villain. He basically called me a villain. I needed to do better. Whether Deku was a manifestation of my guilt or a... a ghost... I did that. I need to do better.

I need to... I can feel my breathing and try to do the exercises again. 

When I'm dressed I go out and find Mrs. Midoriya heating up some leftovers from yesterday. She apologizes and offers me some too. Apparently she had made some All Might pancakes in her specialty pancake maker but didn't want to wake me. I reheated them instead and ate those. She sat with me and asked me about school and my new friends. She didn't ask about my mom and I didn't ask about Izuku.

 After eating she let me pick which movie we would watch. Halfway through she told me my mom had called that morning and told her I couldn't stay another night. She told her that it would be inappropriate for me to be hanging around here like I was replacing her dead son. She kept her voice monotone when saying this but it must hurt to have heard that from your supposed friend. I thanked her for her hospitality and helped her with some more chores she had around the house like the weeds in the yard and things she couldn't really reach. 

Soon though, it was time to go home. I didn't want to go home just yet though. I texted my dad that I was going to a friends party and when I was already outside Momo's house I got a phone call from my mom. I didn't answer. She kept calling so I finally picked up.

We got in a screaming match before I just hung up and turned off my phone. I just wanted to forget. When I walked in the whole class was already here and enjoying their time. Mina showed me around and offered me something to drink. They had pop, water, and a bunch of alcohol. I've never drank before. I never wanted to. I knew better but now... things seemed different. I took a drink. It burned but I liked it. I drank more. and more. and more. I tried talking to everyone but they all just wanted me to slow down and ask if I was okay. Why wouldn't I be okay? I feel great. I feel fine. I feel like I have to pee. Someone points me to the bathroom upstairs. I take a bottle with me. 

While I'm on my way back I don't realize it but I'm sitting on the floor. I get up and remember my mom. She acts like she's the only one who can walk away, who can leave without saying anything. Why is it such a problem when I do the same?

I just kept guzzling it. I could feel myself not walking straight but I couldn't figure out how to fix it. I turned around and heard some people coming back up the stairs. I could hear Kaminari talking... about me. 

"Yeah, I just feel bad for the guy. Did you see how he yelled on the phone before coming in? And he didn't hesitate to get drunk in his first five minutes."

"Yeah, ribbit. But it must be hard on him to have such a powerful quirk that causes that much damage on his body." Tsu chimed in.

"I don't know, guys. I think it's pretty manly." Kirishima interjected, "He's doing a lot with what he has and we should respect that." 

So that's what they thought of me. I headed up to the balcony and looked out to the city. That's what they all think of me. Hell, I don't need them. I don't need anyone. They aren't my friends. They were never my friends. I don't need friends. I didn't need them before and I don't need them now. Screw these UA jerks, screw everyone. I've never had a real friend. Not them, not Tesaki not Hashiga and definitely not Deku.

Deku... "I thought you killed yourself, like you killed me." It would be better for everyone right? For years he just wanted to be my friend, but I couldn't see past it. I was a bully. Would ending things make it right? I lean over a little further. 

My mother wouldn't have this burden over her shoulders. I don't think she  ever wanted to be a mom. My dad could rest easy. Even my classmates at UA wouldn't have to stop pretending that they spent time with me for any other reason than them feeling bad for me.  

You're right Deku, it's all my fault. Everything is my fault. I can feel his hands tearing at me, pulling me down. Everything up until now plays slowly around me. I see us as kids playing heroes. I see Deku running down and scraping his knees to check if I was okay when I fell off the log. I see his mom crying at his funeral when I knocked the body down. I see him falling just like I am now. I know his pain. I don't know if the warmth is from the blood pooling around my cheeks or something spiritual. I feel myself slipping away completely. Good bye and goodnight.