Fears Of Those

One

Galia Carmen

My thoughts are scattered along with the sand beneath my feet. My sanity has been carried out by the sea breeze, and I have no idea where it is now.

Sa wakas, mararanasan ko na ang kapayapaan na dala ng mga daluyon ng kaguluhan( it's funny how it sounds so ironic), hindi ko ito  naranasan dahil napagkaitan ako ng mga tanong ng kahapon na naiwang 'di nasagutan. 

Fears that lurk in the shadows of my psyche, mingling with the soulful sound of the ocean. I'm hoping that they'll leave tomorrow since almost all who approach me tend to run away rather than to stay.

My shaky hands began to grasp the pen, and my fingertips brushed over the skin of my journal. Words venture out like a nomad into abysmal blankness, with a perplexing thirst. Finally, I've summoned the nerve to write about myself again.

Ikalabing-walo ng Hulyo taon dalawang libo at labing walo.

Sa muling pagdampi ng panulat sa papel ay ang muling pagbukas ng bagong kabanata ng buhay ko. Matagal na noong huli akong nagsulat tungkol sa balangkas ng aking buhay. Tila'y sumama ang mga salita na gusto kong sabihin sa malakas na hangin pero sana maipabatid ko ang aking gustong sabihin.

Hindi ako gaya ng iba na kayang tumakbo papalapit sa problema dahil natatakot akong masaktan at hindi magwagi. Maaari kong sabihin na ako'y duwag pero mas gugustuhin kong tumakbo na lang papalayo at mapagod kaysa tataya sa bagay na walang kasiguraduhan.

Sabay sa pagdampi ng araw sa kumikislap na karagatan ay ang pagyakap ng pangamba, ito'y malamig at nakakakilabot na waring humahaplos papasok sa aking balat. Ang simoy ng hangin mula sa aplaya, paghampas ng alon sa dalisay na buhangin patungo sa nakahimlay na puso na natatakot lumangoy sa malalim na tubig kung saan mahahanap ang mga kinukubling sirena.

Habang sinusulat ko ito, abot tanaw ng mga mata ang isang lalakeng nakikipaglaro sa daluyon, sinasalubong ang pagdagsa ng tubig-alat. Paano kaya niya nakakaya na hindi malunod sa malalim na saloobin ng dagat? Habang ako, hindi man lang kayang kumaway at makipagbatian sa ragasa ng dagat.

Takot akong lumusong sa dagat, nangangamba na malunod dahil alam kong walang sasalba sa akin sapagkat ang aking sarili lamang ang kumupkop sa minsan na nawala kong kahulugan. Ang sarili ang nagsilbing salbiba na hinawakan ko pero hindi iyon naging sapat upang hindi ako masaktan dahil nawalan pa rin ako ng malay at hinintay na lang na maanod patungo sa dalampasigan.

Sa paglingon ko, nakita ko ang bakas ng aking mga paa sa buhangin, tanda na malayo-layo na ang natahak ko simula noong umalpas ako sa sidhi ng bagyo. Ngunit natatakot ako na sa muli kong paglingon makikita ko ang dahilan kong bakit ako lumayo at lumikas.

Hanggang kailan kaya ako tatakas mula sa kaniyang silakbo dahil hindi ko maikakaila na balang araw mawawalan din ako ng enerhiyang tumakbo at mawawalan din ng apoy ang lamparang nagsilbing tanglaw sa tinahak kong landas. Maaring sa susunod na paggising ng buwan at pagtulog ng araw ay susuko na ako at bahala na, wala na akong maaring magawa. Pero sana hindi ito mangyari sa mga susunod na araw dahil hindi pa ako handa.

My phone suddenly rang, then my Tatang's phone number flashed. I slided my finger across my phone to answer his call. Sinabi niya na kakain na raw at niluto niya ang paborito kong ulam kaya dali-dali akong umuwi. Habang binabantas ko ang daan pauwi sa amin, nahagilap ko ang buwan.

I remembered Tatang, how he stayed and became my light when the sky darkened to a faint black. Hindi ko man siya laging nakikita pero alam kong nandiyaan siya, umaagapay sa paglalakad ko. He is not just my grandfather but he is also my companion.

A single tear squeezed out of my wild eyes when a thought flew across my head, we all know that life is like a story that has an ending. What will I do if the time comes that my Tatang will leave me? How will I start to walk at night without the moon above me? Will I be okay?

"Tatang! Can you open the door please," I shouted.

"Teka lang naman po," it was not my grandfather's voice but somewhat familiar, I am sure that the person is a girl.

Oh! I know who she is, it's my cousin Ginalyn. She's the granddaughter of my grandfather's sibling. She is older than me by two years and she is my favorite cousin, please don't tell to her what I said kasi lalaki na naman yung ulo niya.

"Manang kanina pa naghihintay si Tatang," she crossed her arms.

"Mano po Tang," I bowed towards the hand of my grandfather and presses my forehead on his hand.

"Ang sabihin mo ate Gina you are hungry," I playfully laughed to annoy her.

"Hindi kaya," she bantered.

"Tama na 'yan, hindi tamang pinaghihintay ang pagkain at baka mawalan ng grasiya," tatang said as he put the pinakbet in the dining table.

"Chibog time," Gina was ready to eat but tatang stopped her.

"Gina magdasal muna tayo," he said.

"Sorry po," she holded up her index and middle finger to pose for a peace sign.

"Well, well! Guess who's hungry, ginawa pang palusot si Tatang," I laughed so hard to annoy her even more.

"Eh di wow, you sounded like Maleficent," she said.

"Pareho pa kayo ng ugali," she whispered.

"I heard that, can you please repeat it ," pinagtaasan ko siya ng kilay pero hindi siya nagpatalo dahil pinagtaasan din niya ako ng kilay. We locked gazes for a few seconds before our grandfather cleared his throat, interrupting our stare-down. We burst out laughing as we realized he was annoyed by our immature behavior; it's one of our favorite thing to annoy him because his face would turn into a reddish tomato if we do that.

"Hay naku para talaga kayong mga bata," he joined us in laughing.

"Yung height ni Carmen pang bata. Bulilit bulilit ang liit liit," she laughed so hard kaya tinadyakan ko yung paa niya.

"Aray!" sigaw niya.

"Tumigil na kayo, Carmen ikaw ngayon ang magdadasal," he said.

We're currently savoring the pinakbet that our grandfather prepared. He has never failed to cook a good meal, particularly pinakbet. My mother once told me that my Tatang's pinakbet is not our family's recipe, so I asked him how he came up with the twist when he first made it, and who taught him, but he did not respond to any of my questions. That was suspicious because my Tatang normally answers all of my questions, but he remained silent this time. So I didn't try to ask him those kinds of questions, but I will not give up on that matter.

"Saan ka pala pumunta Carmen?" he asked.

"Sa winery po tapos pumunta lang ako saglit sa beach," I finished my food.

"Kumusta sila roon?" he put his plate in the kitchen.

"They are doing fine naman po pero gusto raw po ng isang restaurant maging distributor tayo ng wine sa kanila," I said.

"Do we know the owner?" he asked.

"The owner daw po ay mula sa Maynila but her grandmother is from here," I answered.

"Ano raw yung pangalan?" Ginalyn asked.

"I do not know his full name but his surname is Frigillana," I responded with what the winery employees had told me.

"Wit ko knows sis," She had given up trying to figure out who the owner was.

"Me too," I agreed with her.

"Ikaw Tang, are you familiar with his surname?" I asked our grandfather.

Isang minutong katahimikan ang lumipas nang sumagot si Tatang.

"May kilala ako pero imposible na siya 'yun," he answered.