Cold

3.

Robert took in a deep, slow breath; daring to glance to his right where Mary sat. After that night Robert spent with Simon, he didn't know exactly how to move forward. The morning after Robert spent the night at Simon's, he made his hasty escape early in the morning after waking Simon up to tell him that he needed to leave. Simon looked a bit disappointed that Robert seemed so eager to leave, but he didn't want to push Robert too far.

Robert hadn't answered Simon's calls, he had fallen right back into the habit of avoidance as he had done back when things fully fell apart. Robert felt guilty, he questioned if he should have stayed with Simon; but things still felt so tense. Robert was beating himself up for letting himself get swept off his feet by Simon.

"Robert?" Mary said in a quiet, concerned voice; snapping Robert back into reality. Robert had called Mary for the first time in months, and asked to meet up at the same bridge Robert almost leaped off of the night before. Robert didn't know what exactly he planned to say, or what exactly he wanted to do.

All Robert knew was that he couldn't stop thinking about Simon, even then Simon was all Robert could daydream about. Robert let out a breath before rubbing his neck, "s-sorry i... i'm sorry.'' Robert stuttered, letting out a defeated huff before leaning against the railing. "I don't know why I asked you here in the first place... i just- i..'' Robert said, rubbing his nose before shrugging. "I guess I needed to see you." Robert said, sparing a glance to Mary.

Mary, Robert had always been fond of her. She was always his anchor, the one person who kept Robert in reality when no one else would. Robert loved Mary, he loved her dearly but...

"It's ok Robert, I understand... I'm just glad you finally called after all this time," Mary said, reaching forward and placing her small hand on top of Robert's. Robert glanced down to Mary's hand, watching as she slowly intertwined their fingers. Robert pursed his lips before looking down to the water, feeling dissatisfied and guilty. "Yeah..." Robert said, letting out a small sigh.

"Have... have you spoken to Simon yet, or are you two still fighting?' Mary asked, ignorant to the happenings of the night before. That question made Robert's skin crawl, and he lowered his head in shame. "W-well i... I bumped into him the other night and things... well, things are still complicated..'' Robert whispered, taking his hand away from Mary's.

"You did? Well, tell me then" she insisted, leaning closer to look at Robert's expression. Robert shut his eyes tight, remembering the horribly shameful things he said and did last night. Robert still remembered how Simon whispered in his ear about how badly he wanted to be together once more; as they had been before pornography.

Of course, back then things were simpler. Easier, one could say. They were young and naive; but after what happened with pornography, the anger and jealousy, Robert wasn't sure if he could really allow himself to be with Simon like that again. What happened the night before was the result of desperation and loneliness- and conflicting emotions.

"Nothing happened... we just- talked for a little while..'' Robert whispered, turning his gaze back down to his feet. "That's all." Robert said, feeling his pockets for his pack of cigarettes. Robert then promptly lit a fag, taking in a deep breath before looking to Mary. "I think I'm going to go now..." Robert said softly, needing some space so he could clear his head.

Mary opened her mouth as if she were going to protest, but then simply nodded her head. "Alright Robert, if that's what you need. Just- please call me sooner next time? I worry.." Mary said, leaning up and placing a fleeting kiss upon Robert's cheek. Mary then hugged her coat closer to her body, flashing a small caring smile, and then took her leave.

Robert felt like his throat would close at any moment. The audacity he had to take advantage of Mary's ignorant affection, Robert really needed to get his act together. He felt so conflicted between his affections. If Robert chose to be with Mary, things would be simpler, easier. Robert wouldn't have to worry about the acceptance of his peers from that relationship, and he could simply love her the way she deserved.