routine.

Staring Up

Staring up,
I start by wiping my eyes, sore from staring at a screen for hours on end. Taking that deep breath, knowing that I've finally finished the school work that needs to be completed. Laying back in my chair, trying to find a way to sit without having to remind me of the sharp pain in my back. I look up. I see a blank, empty, white ceiling. It's relieving looking at something blank. Giving my head a break from the constant colours and movement. I look around for cups, bowls, anything that's piled up in my room during the day that needs to be brought back to the kitchen. Once I've grabbed everything, before opening my door, another deep breath is needed. Constantly reminding myself to breathe has become part of my daily routine.

I open the door, and I make my way to the kitchen. I put everything down on the counter, then remembering that if I don't put this away, my mom and sister will yell at me for being a slob. I try to not get yelled at now. Someone raising their voice makes me so emotional, knowing I could of done something to not make them yell at me. It's late, it's dark.

Once back in my room, I try to tidy my room. It gets dirty easily. Once clean, I bring my towel into the bathroom, lock the door, and stop. I look at myself in the mirror, and I try to hold back in my tears. "You could of done better today", I tell myself. Such high standards have been set for me. One slip up and it's over. As I hang up my towel, I make eye contact with myself in the mirror once again. "You need more sleep", "what am I doing wrong?". All these negative thoughts rush through my head, causing a headache. I turn the shower on. I let it run for a sec, so I can get in when it's warm. Shampoo, conditioner, body wash, done.

I usually have longer showers, but school has taken over my life. I never hang out with friends and family anymore. When I do get everything changes, thoughts rush through my head saying "I could be working on that project right now". I can't even focus on the people I'm with. I get back to my room. Lock the door.

Change into pj's and a sweater. And right back to the desk. There's always something I need to go over, or there's something I missed. I can't even focus for 5 straight minutes. Whether it's a squirrel outside, thoughts, something on my wall or my computer screen. Even when talking to people. I tend to get distracted mid-conversation. I don't mean to, it just happens without me knowing. Sometimes I can't even bring myself to continue with my work. I just sit on my couch.
Staring up.