The Northern Lights

Chapter 3. Surprise. Part 1.

*Present moment*

It's a clear moonlit night for the first time this week.
Heavy snowfall accompanied by brief rain stopped a couple of hours ago. Golden streaks of cold moonlight make their way into the room through the chameleon greenish fabric of the curtain refracting in the window glass. They are broken into small pieces and are melting tracelessly when meeting the inky darkness that envelops my room.
This twilight darkness doesn't disperse. Doesn't ask for permission settling everywhere — in the house, in the room, outside the room.
In my heart.

This darkness is like a thunderstorm after a cloudless, stuffy day - instant and inevitable.
I can't escape it, can't hide from it — it fills up the entire space outside and inside, mercilessly clinging with its sharp claws.

I'm dreamily shifting a surprise box from hand to hand. It is tied with a purple ribbon.
It fell into my hands last night. I don't know what is inside. Do I really want to know?
I am sure that a new disappointment'll finally lead me off the right path.
I try to step on this path with uncertain meager steps, stumbling and returning to the starting point million times.
I'm exhausted. Tired.

I touch the raised letters at the bottom of the little box with the pad of my index finger - "C.K.".  It can only mean one thing.
It seems to me that everything aroung me living or not is frozen or lurkes in the torturing suspense.The silence is literally pressing on me.
I feel painful headache in the temporal part of my head and touch my forehead, lightly massaging it. I close my eyes and untie the velvet elastic band trying to ease the pain. Migraine appears just in time, perfect.

Is what's happening right now real or am I dreaming?
Of course, a lot of people including my mother were convincing me that I should have made a truce with my fate long ago. But there has always been a tiny spark of hope in my heart that I couldn't and still can't ignore no matter how hopeless my current situation may be.

Could Cenk have survived? Is the fate gracious to me ? Is he alive?
Sometimes I think that it's not possible. Impossible when it comes to me.

I remember having been forced to leave him in that house in the middle of nowhere. He was covered with countless bleeding wounds and begging me to save myself. I was shedding tears and screaming pathetically.
I was left without a choice. Cenk was taken from me by force.
I've been sentenced to a life with this unhealed soul emptiness, a bleeding heart and persecuting sense of guilt.

The pain of loss. The pain of ongoing life. The life without him by my side.

The faint puff of chill wind invades my room through a half-opened window casement bringing the refreshing coolness. It provokes unpleasant shiver like an electric current has run through my body from head to toe.
I cover myself with a cool blanket when the sense of calm and security start spreading across my skin. I stretch sluggishly. My eyelids are getting heavy with fatigue.

I look at a rectangular plush frame with three polaroids in it. Not far from them I notice a blooming bouquet of cornflowers. The petals are accurately hanging from the crystal vase.
Two color pictures and one black and white. In the inky gloom of the room  they stand out over the other interior items.
It is strange but the moonlight strictly illuminates the far left photograph. The one that captures Cenk smiling and hugging me and his little sister Damla. His smile is so subtle and sincere. I love this smile.

The memories of us being crazy in love and happy from time to time rise from the bottom of my frozen soul. In these moments I feel daring and  affectionate touch of his hands, sweet taste of his lips and unequal breathing.
I will never be able to forget the day when we made this photo. It makes me relieve the kaleidoscope of magical emotions. That day we got the news that turned our life upside down. The corners of my mouth lift and the heartbeat speeds up.

I carefully put the box to the opposite side of the bed. I promise myself to open it with the lights of dawn. Bothersome thoughts don't let me fall asleep and prompt me to look into its alluring contents.
I raise my head from the pillow and lean on the headboard of the bed. Then hurriedly grab the surprise box erasing doubts.
I diligently untangle the silk purple ribbon that is tied with a bow and then rip open the beige wrapping paper.

In late night mysterious silence I hear only the rustling of torn paper and myself breathing.
I eagerly pull the top of the wrapping paper and see amethyst petite jewelry box. It is studded with fragments of gemstones.

With a sleight-of-hand move I open it and find something that I haven't hoped to see ever again. At the bottom of this box I see a white gold ring with a huge diamond. It glistens with blinding iridescent rays.

It is an engagement ring. My ring.

But there is someting else underneath the ring.A note.
I take a folded in half piece of paper and read the words:

" Don't you ever forget that wherever you are my heart beats inside you which means we can't be separated "

Cenk ...