My Tatay's Unconditional Love

Visitation Dream

June 2, 2021

I dreamt of Daddy, we were on a car that we called FX here in the PH. Sumakay kami sa drivers side initially pinauna ko pa siya kasi nasa 'careful' mode ako at alam ko sa isip ko na dapat alagaan ko siya kasi hingalin siya- COPD patient po kasi siya. Pero for some reason nalipat kami sa gitnang part ng sasakyan, katabi ko siya I'm on the left and he's on the right side.

On my mind, I should take care of him kasi I know hingalin siya but I noticed that hindi siya humihingal- then suddenly and dahan dahan kong hinawakan ng kanang kamay ko yung kaliwang kamay niya. Sobrang real na parang nahawakan ko talaga siya and I hope I remember this clearly, hinawakan ko pa mukha niya because I am trying to feel kung solid nga ba or just like my ordinary dreams na hindi naman totoo. Pero to my surprise, nararamdaman ko nga siya, I've felt him, my heart was happy. I've felt na alive talaga hinahawakan ko. At this point I am very much aware that this is a dream, but not an ordinary dream, alam ko na patay na siya. Ganon ako e, I have dreams I know initially that it wasn't real so I was just doing things randomly sa panaginip, but this particular type of dream is a dream that I couldn't control and I'm very happy that I have no control of it kasi I know hindi siya guni guni. I know it's happening and it's real. I know it's silly, but I know and felt it. Para akong nasa ibang dimension kasi I've felt na kasama ko talaga si Daddy. There were dreams before with him, na alam kong gawa gawa lang ng isip ko kasi gusto ko nga siya makita at makasama after his death, kaya desperately, nakikita ko siya pero alam kong hindi totoo. Pero ito, alam ko na I was more than alive sa dream na yon, because that was my most impossible reality, na makitang buhay pa siya. It true that he's not alive anymore, but I know what I've felt in that dream was real.

Then suddenly,

I asked 'i don't know which one came first' but i asked and this is non verbatim basta ito ang mga natandaan ko.

Me: Okay ka na ba?

(parang nag ask pa nga ako kung magaling na nga ba talaga siya)

Daddy: Oo okay na ako. (he said things pa proving na okay na nga siya)

Then I asked again:

Mapapatawad mo ba ako?

Daddy: Wag ka na magpaliwanag. (He smiled then parang nag 'ssssh' siya na gesture) my heart felt the warmth and I knew he smiled. Again, may iba pa siyang sinabi, proving it, pero hindi ko na natandaan pa.

Then he said:

Nakatawid na ako. Nasa dagat ako ngayon.

Tapos I knew in my heart that even I didn't say it outloud sa dream ko 'i heard my heart says Mahal na mahal kita' and he said it too, not in words, through smiling. He agreed and I understood.

Then, he suddenly kissed me sa lips then ayun na, nagising na ako.

Napaiyak ako. Sobra. That was it Daddy, thank you. Totoo, I've felt you. Thank you for the visitation dream.

After almost an hour, while typing this: My realisation came... and it made me cry even more....

My biggest trauma was the last moment I held him, yung naghihingalo na siya sa tabi ko. Nasa sasakyan kami, on the way sa hospital. During the ride to the hospital, I held his left hand, he squeezed my hand sobrang light na lang kasi he was running out of breath like passed out na din siya pero alam mong lumalaban pa.

Same scene sa dream ko kanina, nasa kanan siyang part ng sasakyan at nasa kaliwa ako.

Yun yung biggest trauma ko talaga at yun ang pangyayari na pag naaalala ko, napapaiyak ako sa lungkot, regret and just the pain of seeing him on that state.

Then....

It made sense to me...

He wants to re-live that moment with a happier scene and that happened in this dream. He wants me to move on. He visited because he wants to replace that traumatic scene to the memory of us na nasa dream ko. He wants to help me even from the after life. He's seeing me crying everytime I remembers it and he wanted to give me a peace of mind and move pass that experience.

He still cares about me so much and he still remembers me. What an unconditional love he has for me.

Tatay, in the future, I will see you again. Please wait for me, I will build my life muna here and fulfill it and make my own story and family. I will try my best to live it more happier despite challenges. When it's my time to go to where you are, I will look for you and I will hug you. Thank you sa pag dalaw, I know it's YOU and I've felt it. Kilalang kilala kita Tay e, yung ngiti mo na yon, nacapture yun ng puso ko. T'was a special dream and it made me feel better. You have accomplished your goal Tay, napagaan mo ang loob ko ng sobra, napakagaling mo talaga. Thank you for the love, please know that I will never ever forget you.

Mahal na mahal kita Tay.
Marami pong salamat ♥️