these violent delights have violent ends
and in their triumph die,
like fire and powder,
which , as they kiss, consume.
My love for him was growing every single minute and I still couldn't stand being human. This is unfair, look at him, and look at me. Im such an ordinary girl, there's nothing interesting about me that's why he definitely is so sure of leaving me human, he doesn't think I deserve such a blessing - to be with him for the rest of my life-for the rest of his eternity. It's still painful, how can he not see that I love him that much. How can he not see that....maybe he doesn't love me the way I do. It is okay. It's reasonable. I mean how can he be even in love with such boring creature. I was watching Romeo and Juliet again for like 10th time this month, it's nothing unusual, it's my thing, definitely is. But I do envy the eternity they have, even if they are both dead, they still are both together. Edward will be alive forever, and I'll be rotting in forks cemetery, god knows how fast into future, talking about my clumsiness it's not fair of the point. How I can easily be killed? I'd die hitting a rock, or a skipping a step. So many ways to die. But that thought still pained me, even if I was dead - Edward should still live. Such an angel cannot die because of me, like me, seriously. Thank god Edward saved me so many times, I would have never known what love is and what is to be loved by such an angel. Romeo and Juliet often made me cry, I would definitely sacrifice myself if I could save my Edward. There's no other option. Charlie is used to be alone, and Rene is happy with Phil, so no one actually would miss me that much huh. But I knew it was a lie, after that thought my head knew how my dad would cope and that's terrifying. The film stopped. And I got up from the couch. I knew today was sunny, which means no Edward. Well, considering that most of my time, closer that all of it, I was spending with him, made me smile, because I didn't know actually what to do when he's not around. I suppose clean the house again? Or eat? I decided to play some music and write in my diary. "Today is a sunny day...no...Edward"
I didn't actually want to write I realized I was too in my head to be able to do that. I could actually not be believe that this is my life now. I tried to, but I couldn't do that, my smile get wider and wider. He, and his family, everytime I see him it's just uhh I feel like there's nothing around us anymore, his eyes, face, everything about him would never make me worthy of him. He's such an angel, thank god for him. Butterflies suddenly appeared in my stomach and I seemed to be enjoying that. I'll forever want to be stuck here, with me. This is the place where I belong, finally I'm not that weird girl in quiet corner, I'm his Bella. Dark brown eyed Bella that he loves. I found my place. After all these years. This is that feeling, that feeling of being home. That feeling of finally finding yourself. That feeling of nothing else matters, you are happy and that is enough. Enough to make you feel alive this moment.
I went to sleep knowing that he was probably hunting so I won't see him, it was upsetting but oh well what could I do, as he said "everything's for my safety first" and I couldn't disagree, everything I could give up just for him to feel okay, feel human and be happy. Even if it pained me to be without him, that's for him. I dreamt about something. It's a nightmare, it feels like it. There was some kind of darkness and suddenly there was my room, I was sleeping and Edward was sort of sitting next to me, I asked "Edward I'm scared". And he said "you should be". And then that dream ended, though the dream itself didn't scare me as much, the agony lying beside it made my skin cold. What a strange dream, I suppose my insecurities when Edward is hunting take over me at night. The insecurity I was talking about was that one day he would not like me anymore, because I'm such a boring creature. That only attracts death. But I knew these thoughts came up in my head once in while just because he was hunting, I knew it was stupid for me to be this way, but Iam what Jan you know, unfortunately.
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The twilight saga: Bella's Swan Diary: New Moon
Fanfiction"After such a deep newly formed connection she wishes it would last forever, but that forever is much shorter than Edward's" "I rushed into school excited and nervous for this day, after such an event I knew that he would be different, but not for m...
