When He Ignores Me.

When he ignores me, that's when I begin to twirl my hair.

Fast and frantic. 

Sitting crosslegged in front of my closet mirror,

until I get a reply or my hunger forces me to make a move. 

I stand in the kitchen zoning out.

I don't feel like cooking.

If I Postmates I don't have to do dishes. But if I cook maybe I can distract myself. Cooking it is. Put the phone on airplane mode. Shit what if there's an emergency and Mom tries to call.  Leave it in my room.

Mince the garlic. Fill the pot with water. Shear the package open. This beef should still be good right? He'd probably know. I remember he said he would cook for me once. Steak I think. He loves to cook steak. Why didn't we ever eat dinner together yet. He said he'd take me out. I know what I'd wear if he did- I have the cutest new wedges for a date night. A jean jacket with a crop and I just got these cute new clips for my hair. Doesn't have to be too fancy, but somewhere Italian would be nice. I'd probably order red wine, I wonder if he likes white. I don't mind splitting the bill. I hope he would pick me up on the way, maybe we could even go to the beach afterwards, take a walk to digest and stargaze against the crashing waves while his hand reaches for my-

The beep of the oven hitting temp interrupts our date. Snap out of it. Focus. This isn't healthy. I go to cut the onion- 

*BZZ*

I sprint to my room.

It's Amanda. She sent me a Tik Tok. Fuck.

Maybe he didn't see it? What time is it? Re-read what you wrote. Was it too cold? Too desperate? Confusing?

No it was fine.

He could be asleep. At 6pm? Maybe he took a nap. He doesn't normally take naps. Maybe he was extra tired today. Omigod what if he..died...? Dear god please I hope he didn't die. I don't even want to think about it. 

Shut up dude, he didn't die you moron.

I stare at my lone blue bubble as if something's changed. I check the time I sent it again. It's been too long. Im running out of plausible explanations as to why he wouldn't answer. Should I text again? I stare at our conversation. Maybe I can manifest a response. Maybe if I count to ten...maybe if..

maybe I've lost my mind.

I'm embarrassed. Why am I so desperate. My brain has pruned. Only he has the ability to ease this mental Indian burn. I want to apologize but I don't even know what I did. Why is he doing this to me. Does he know how much I'm hurting right now? Should I tell him? Would he even care if I told him? I would never do this to him. 

I finished making my dinner and ate on the couch. TV volume on low, phone on high next to me. I finished it in about 1/10 of the time it took to cook it. It's dark out now. I should turn on the lights. I do, then I take my plate over to the kitchen sink. I do the dishes and scrub the counter. I go back to the couch and look for something else to watch. I pass out on the couch and wake up the next morning. I log onto work. 

It's been a long workday.  Finally, 5pm. Get dressed for the gym. Oh shit I have my new leggings- damn..he'd go crazy if he saw me in these. I wish I could send him a picture. I still haven't heard back. 

Honestly, he probably forgot to respond. I'm being dramatic. He's shy sometimes. Thats probably what it is, let me send another text. After he answers I'll head to the gym. A half hour goes by. I take a seat in front of the closet mirror. My hair feels softer today.

Maybe he didn't see it? What time is it? Re-read what you wrote. Was it too cold? Too desperate? Confusing?

No it was fine.

He could be asleep. At 6pm? Maybe he took a nap. He doesn't normally take naps. Maybe he was extra tired today. Omigod what if he..died...? Dear god please I hope he didn't die. I don't even want to think about it. 

Shut up dude, he didn't die you moron.

I stare at my lone blue bubble as if something's changed. I check the time I sent it again. It's been too long. Im running out of plausible explanations as to why he wouldn't answer. Should I text again? I stare at our conversation. Maybe I can manifest a response. Maybe if I count to ten...maybe if..

Maybe, Ive lost my mind.