I dream of Phoebe

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[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe walks in and goes over to her assistant.]

Phoebe: Good morning. Any phone calls?

Assistant: Take your pick. We've got adulterers, cross-dressers, thirty-four year old virgins, and, oh, your nephew.

Phoebe: Oh, Chris called?

Assistant: No, Wyatt. Um, actually, I think Pandora did the dialing, but. You have another nephew?

Phoebe: Um, no, uh, but-but, you know, maybe some day I will. You know what I mean? Okay.

(Phoebe goes into her office and Chris there. She gets a fright.)

Chris: Phoebe, I need your help.

Phoebe: I've been calling for you all week. Didn't you hear me?

Chris: For the first couple of days, yeah. Then I put you on mute.

Phoebe: You can put me on mute?

Chris: I had to, I was busy. Now, I need your help.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, and I need yours too, because you come here, you drop this bombshell on me, and you expect me to keep this secret? And I don't even know why I'm keeping the secret.

Chris: Nobody can find out Pandora and Leo are my parents. It can mess with the whole future.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, if you didn't want anybody to know, I don't know why you told me.

Chris: I told you because you busted me, and I'm glad you did. I have been so focused on protecting Wyatt, I've completely forgotten about me. This month is my conception date.

Phoebe: Your conception date?

Chris: That's where I've been. Oracles, fortune tellers, soothsayers they all say the same thing. If mum and dad don't screw, this month I'm screwed.

Phoebe: Okay, I'm just trying to get used to you being my nephew. I never hit on you, did I?

Chris: What? No.

Phoebe: Oh, thank god.

Chris: Can we focus here, please? Mum and dad need to have sex. Now who's gonna tell them? You or me?

Phoebe: No, nobody's gonna tell them because we're not gonna reopen those wounds.

Chris: Okay. So how do we get them back together?

Phoebe: W-we? There is no we here. We don't. You're the one that split them up. And why did you split them up?

Chris: Leo had to become an Elder to make room for me as your Whitelighter. It was the only way I could protect Wyatt from turning evil.

Phoebe: You're unbelievable. I mean, the most kids who are the cause of their parents divorce actually feel guilty. And you're sitting here like it's part of your master plan.

Chris: I'm sensing some real issues here.

Phoebe: Oh, you're damn right there are issues. You can't just pop in from the future and play with people's lives because your big brother picked on you.

Chris: He picked on the world, Phoebe.

Phoebe: I'm not finished. Your parents were happy until you split them up. And now you want my help because you didn't think this all the way through?

Chris: Feel better?

Phoebe: Yes.

Chris: Will you help me?

Phoebe: No. Oh, I don't know.

Chris: If I'm not conceived in the next couple of weeks, I'll disappear forever. (Chris picks up a letter off Phoebe's desk.) You are willing to help complete strangers. How about family? (Phoebe snatches the letter off Chris and receives a premonition.) What is it? What'd you see?

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