Random vents and stuff ig (tw?)

(TW) I can't function

I don't understand how normal people can just go about their day and do what they're supposed to and I can hardly get out of bed. Every free spot on my body looks like an un-touched canvas eager to be painted. I want to feel alive at the same time I want to do nothing but die.  The longer I feel "good" and don't have thoughts about offing myself, the harder it hits when it comes back. Everyday I have to put on a smile and make the people around me feel good about themselves because I wouldn't want anyone to feel like I feel about myself. I push myself past the fucking limit because I know if I don't then there's no fucking point in me being here. The only people who've ever supported me are gone and I'm most likely never going to see them again. My friend group all struggles with suicidal thoughts/attempts and I know if one of them goes it's it for me so I'm scared to leave but at the same time I'm scared they'll leave me alone because we can't see each other. I want to run and never stop but I know I will. I want to break down and cry and let everything out and I can't and I hate me for it