twenty-four

A few years back, whenever my elementary teacher asked me what I want to be when I grow up, I always answer that I want to be a writer.

It all started when I was in Grade 3. I saw a big fat book at the back of our classroom. It was green and bulky. I picked it up and it was a book about Peter Pan. To kill time, I picked it up and read it.

That's when it all started.

My love for books and my dream to become a well-known writer.

I have this little notebook wherein I put all my ideas. I was really proud of myself every time I finished a story. It's like a drug. It's very addicting.

But as time goes by, I realized that becoming a writer is not meant for me.

Why?

Because when I started high school, I realized that I'm not that good.

I have lots of ideas but I do not know how to put it into words.

It was then that I also realized that my English is limited and that my grammar is not a mess.

I tried fixing the problem by reading more books than before and by studying the proper use of words but still, it wasn't enough.

And then slowly, I stopped dreaming.

When asked what I want to become after graduating college, I just simply answered that I want to be someone successful.

In order to do so, I studied harder. 

When I was in elementary, I graduated as Valedictorian in our batch. Before that, I was always in the honor's list. In high school, despite not graduating with honors, I'm always in the top section. I always pushed myself to become better because of the expectations that my family has for me and because it's what I expect from myself.

That if not talented or skilled, I should become the best in other ways.

Then college came. I choose the course and enrolled in the school that my mom wanted. I don't have a choice for myself because I don't even know what I like.

First semester came and I met lots of people. I was culture-shocked. The environment as well as my classmates were not the same as before.

They cut classes.

They don't do their assignments.

They even go to class drunk.

While I'm doing my best to study, they are doing their best to enjoy life and be happy.

That's when I started asking myself.

"Am I happy?"

The answer is no. 

I'm not.

All my life, all I did was to study and meet my family's expectations.

But I don't have the privilege to be happy.

I need to do my best and work my butt off in order to finish college on time because we can't afford another semester's tuition fee.

I even started working when I was in my fourth year because my Dad lost his job, my Mom don't even have a stable job and my younger brother is still studying.

After graduation I landed a permanent job and continued studying for my doctoral degree.

The reason behind is that if I don't enroll to get a degree, I may not be able to rise and become successful. 

I worked on mornings then study on evenings.

It was tiring.

My plan when I started my doctoral degree is to finish it in 4 years. That at the age of 24 I will get my diploma. 

But now, I don't even know if I can get it at the age of 26.

After finishing one academic year, I stopped because of financial problems. Then when I came back, I failed on one of my subjects. Then after retaking such, I'm still not sure whether or not I will pass it.

Until know, I'm still not sure if I will become the person that I want to become because despite the efforts that I do, all the sacrifices that I make, I'm still stuck at where I started. 

No improvement.

No change.

Still here.

They say that we should trust the process and leave everything to Him but I can't stop thinking that what if what I need to do is to start accepting the fact that I will just stay where I am at, at the moment?

What if all my hardwork will not pay off?

What if I wasted my time doing things that's not meant for me?

What if?