Before I say goodbye

Chapter 1

I remember as a kid, I used to sit at this very park and see so much life and colour. The birds sounded like they were singing just for me and I smiled at every person I came across. I had to stop and pat every dog that walked past, and I used to love climbing the trees and playing hide and seek in the bushes. 

But as you get older, you learn about the world and how people are treated. You learn that not everyone is smiling back because they're friendly. You learn that those birds may not be singing but screaming, warning you. And you learn that hide and seek in the bushes isn't always a game.  I still find it hard to admit that kind of thing happened to me. I guess it's hard to feel like a victim when you hear about things happening to other people that are so much worse. And although the colour I used to see has dulled, I'm okay. 

I smoked my first cigarette that night. I coughed my lungs out for the first few puffs and then the sensation hit. You know, the one where you can feel the smoke travelling into your lungs. With every puff of that cigarette I felt more in control of my body. And look at me now, 21 and if I can make it through the day without finishing a pack it's a win in my books. 

My name is Anastasia by the way, sorry, I should have introduced myself earlier. 

My life isn't as sad as I've made it out to be so far. I mean, apart from that one night it's actually been pretty fucking good up until now. I have the BEST family. My parents split up before I could walk but I still see them both all of the time. Growing up my mum was my caregiver, you know, the one who gave me advice, washed my hair, read me stories. My dad on the other hand, he was the fun parent. He would pick me up on the weekends and take me on adventures, let me stay up late, let me eat dessert for dinner. I also have a great friend group. Theres Hannah and Amy (it's not a party unless they're there). Kirra is the quiet one but she will always listen. Amber is the token gay friend. My best friend is Kyiah. Technically we are cousins, but we are together nearly everyday, she's my rock. Im not really sure what kind of friend I am, but I do my best to look out for them all. 

Ive also never been in a relationship. Im not sure why, I've always been pretty insecure so maybe that's it. Fuck it, while I'm spilling my entire life story to you I should let you know that I only lost my virginity last year, after a drunk night in town. I guess I was scared to do it after what happened in the park and It wasn't romantic at all, but I felt safe with this guy and honestly, it was nice. We have been together a few times since and I never told him it was my first time. When Im with him I feel so comfortable, but it can't ever be anything more than just sex and cuddles for him. His reason is because he works at a bar and we will never get to see each other, but I know that Im just not right for him, Im just here for when he's lonely and he's trying to be nice about it. And even with my friends telling me to stay away before I get too attached, I keep going back. We all have that one guy right?