I Can't Wait To Be Myself Again

Chapter Three

Jackson lay on the ground. He didn't know how much time had passed, but he did know that he was in pain, lots of pain. He'd managed to push himself up, and was leaning against a tree, the bleeding on his face had stopped but his chest burnt with every breath he took - there was something wrong with his chest, he knew it. None of this had happened before, at least not this badly and Jackson was deep in thought about why she did this to him when he heard a strangely familiar voice. A voice belonging to one of his friends.

"Jacko, Jackson mate is that you?" The voice of his best friend (and the infamous hooker) filled his ears. Jackson looked up to see him staring at his current condition. "Hell mate, you look like you've gone through hell." He looked down at Jackson sympathetically and for the first time in years, Jackson chocked out a "stay, please" before sobs engulfed his body.

And he cried. The boy who had not shed a tear since the death of his dog, 5 years earlier (it was an emotional time for their family) broke down in tears. His friend stood by him awkwardly and held onto him, for support.

"I'm not going anywhere." He muttered. "I don't even know what's going on Jacko, but just cry because, like girls say, sometimes it's better to let it all out." Jackson murmured in reply. His friend continued talking, "How about we go back to mine, I'm guessing you don't want to face your parents whilst you're in this state, and call up the other guys. Then you can tell us what's wrong. How does that sound Jacko?" He finished.

Jackson looked up and tried to smile through his tears. "Okay," he breathed. "Thanks man, for doing this." He stopped and gasped for breath. "I really appreciate it you know." His friend smiled in response.

"Let's just focus on getting you back to mine, eh Jacko?" He smirked. "That might be a start." Jackson cracked a grin and nodded.

"Let's get going."

~

Jackson was sat in his friend's living room, holding a cup of hot chocolate, whilst the rest of the team sat around him in a semi-circle. Some sat on the floor, some on chairs or sofas, all leaning forward - eager to know why they'd been summoned here. Jackson looked at each of them, one by one, dead in the eye before clearing his throat and starting to talk.

"I know you're wondering why you're here, especially now, and why I'm in the state I'm in. I don't really know how to explain this all, and I really hope that after I tell you, you will all still want to be my friends. I really hope that. I'm not perfect, I have so many flaws and I've finally been told what they are. This is my fault and I don't know where to start, so I guess I'll begin as far back as I can remember.

It was nearly three years ago, in July, when I asked Madison out. You will probably remember how I had a crush on her for months, and after she'd broken up with her ex, I jumped in and asked her on a date. By October that year, we were going out and everything was good. I mean, we were 13 and completely in what we thought was love. However, only a few months after that, something happened at Maddie's home. He father left her mum for another woman and Madison was heartbroken. Her mum fell to bits and Madison took it upon herself to stay strong. She never broke the mask unless she was only with me. Soon after that I noticed a change in her, she was harsher, more enclosed and independent. I asked her what was wrong, I remember being really worried, and that was the first time it happened. She punched me straight in the face, it was our first fight and I thought that was normal for couples. But after that, I started to realise it wasn't. Slaps and punches were punishment if I argued back at her. So many times I had to lie to you, my parents, hospitals, everyone just to keep the secret. Now recently, her dad's come back. The woman he left Maddie and her mum for ran off on their wedding day and he realised they were the family he should have been with. More reasons to be angry, I was walking on cracked eggshells and one tiny mistake landed me in pain. The make-up, not any cheap girls, but mine that I took off my sister. I couldn't risk anyone, none of you guys, seeing the bruises and questioning it. And today, she went mental. I didn't know what to do, I was so scared." Jackson paused and took a deep breath, his hands shaking. "I was so scared. She lunged at me like a wild animal and I felt more downgraded then I ever had before. What kind of guy lets his girlfriend beat him up?" A tear ran down his face. "She attacked me and after she left I felt like I was going to die, like there a string pulling me down, down away from everyone else and I wanted it to complete its task. I wanted to die."

His friends gasped and many murmurs spread throughout the room. Jackson continued, "Now, I'm not so sure, but that little voice is still there. I'm not who you think I am, I'm a scared little boy who deserves everything that happens to him. All of this is my fault."

The room was silent. No sound was heard apart from the odd sniffle from Jackson as he wiped the tears streaming furiously running from his eyes before the fell into the healing scratches on his face.

Someone, probably one of the flankers, broke the silence by muttering a single sentence, "It's not your fault." Many other muttered in agreement. "Jacko, don't blame yourself for this, it's not your fault." "Mate, it's not your fault, we're still going to be your friends." "Jackson, she was abusive, none of this was your fault. It was abuse." Jackson froze after that comment. Abuse. He wasn't in an abusive relationship, was he? He thought back to what they'd briefly done in school. From what he could remember, they'd never covered male victims. "It's not abuse." He whispered. "No, not Maddie, it's not, I swear."

His friends looked at him in disbelief. Why couldn't he see it wasn't his fault?

~

"So tell me Mr. Green, why you're here." The therapist asked Jackson in a calm manner.

"My friends sent me here, they said my girlfriend was abusive, but she's not. She only hits me if I do something wrong. It's my fault, not hers." Jackson stammered out, not wanting to share anything with this stranger who was scribbling in her notebook.

"Ah, okay." She replied. "Have you had any contact with her recently?"

Jackson shook his head. "My best mate, he said it would be a bad idea, so he took my phone and sent me here instead." The therapist wrote something else down.

"Mr. Green, I know you may seem confused but it is clear that you were the victim of domestic abuse. Just like most victims, you have been manipulated by your abuser to believe it is you who is in the wrong, not them. You may be in denial for a long time, but I am here to help you through this. But only if you let me." She paused and looked Jackson straight in the eyes. "I hope you will, and my first recommendation is that you break up with your girlfriend." She passed Jackson an object which he realised was his phone. "It's dialling. Just tell her you want to take a break, for good. Remember, I'm right here if you need me."

"Hello Jackson?" The voice of Madison came through the phone.

"Madison, I'm breaking up with you." Jackson replied bluntly, looking at his therapist for reassurance.

"Why Jacky, we are perfect together. Who is making you do this?"

"What you are doing to me isn't right. It's abuse Maddie, and I want it to stop." Jackson breathed a sigh of relief, telling her what he'd wanted to say for so long.

"What? No Jackson it's not. I'm only punishing you for what you do wrong. It's discipline, not abuse."

Jackson was at a loss for words. Fortunately, his therapist took over, having heard the conversation on speaker-phone. "Hello Madison. It's Jackson's therapist speaking. His friends have sent him to me, worried over numerous bruises and cuts all over his body which he revealed yesterday were made by you."

"What?" Madison's voice was confused.

"Madison, this is domestic abuse and therefore Jackson is calling to break up with you. A court file is in process to receive a restraining order against you. I hope this has got the message across, you are no longer dating Jackson. Thank you for your time."

Jackson heard Madison swear before hanging up the phone. "Thank you." He smiled, an honest smile of gratitude. "Thank you so much. Will I still need to see you then?"

"You're welcome," she replied. "And yes, weekly so we can get completely over this."

~

That was four months ago, now after receiving nearly 10 weeks of therapy I recovered the trauma of abuse. It's not well known that 15% of abuse is aimed at male victims but I can say that I am free from it and I hope that I will never have to experience it again. I graduated last month, and will be attending our school's sixth form before heading off to university. I don't know what happened to Madison, she moved schools consequently losing contact and I hope it will stay that way - I can carry on with my life now.

My name is Jackson Green and I can't wait to be myself again