Symptomatic

3

"Harry, if you need to take some time off, I'm sure everyone will understand."

Josh was crouched in front of the younger, who was sat leaning against the wall, guzzling his water bottle. Harry was starting to sweat under the harsh lights of the filming studio, and he felt so hot, despite the fact his was only wearing a thin t-shirt and shorts. All of the other guys seemed generally fine with the temperature in their tracksuit bottoms and hoodies.

He didn't understand. Josh has started to notice a problem with Harry when the boys breathing became sloppier as the recording progressed and when he bent over, struggling to breath Josh had called a ten minute break.

"Is this some sort of... prolonged anxiety attack?"

"I'm fine, mate." Harry responded, wiping the sweat from his forehead with his wrist. He could feel the beads of salty liquid drip into his eyes, causing them to burn. He felt disgusting and he just wanted to go home and shower, but he knew that filming wasn't over yet and that he'd have to wait. "Just a bit tired."

"I hear you waking up at four every morning. You already stay up so late as it is, you definitely aren't getting enough sleep." He sounded so concerned, worried, and Harry couldn't see why.

"Mate, I cant help it. My body wakes up at four now and there's not much I can do about it."

Harry made sure to leave out the part where he involuntarily gagged over the toilet for half an hour every night, and spent the entire next hour feeling dizzy and nauseous- knowing that Josh would go into full dad mode and push for him to take time off.

The last thing Harry needed was a break- what he needed now was a distraction, and work did a fairly good job of holding his attention.

"Okay, how about we let you miss out on filming these More Sidemen videos, so you can go back to the house and catch up on sleep? Does that sound fair?"

Harry sighed. "No, that wouldn't be fair to you and everyone else, or the fans. And, also, I want to stay here. Believe it or not, I do actually enjoy filming with you neeks."

"Don't try and joke your way out of this Bog," He looked the complete opposite of amused. "Look, I understand what you're saying, but sometimes you just need to put yourself, and your health first."

"Josh, the only thing keeping me going from insane right now is the fact that I have a routine. Please don't take that away from me. I'll be okay. I just need some time to get back to normal and shit."

As much as Harry wanted to cry to the elder about everything that was happening, he knew that Josh wouldn't be able to simply just pat him on the back and let him continue with their normal schedule. Josh was far too caring- he thought much more about the health of the other guys than he did about himself.

"You should sleep more, too, you know?" Harry added, trying to change the direction of the conversation.

"You have a point there, Bogger." Josh chuckled. "But I didn't just experience a loss, and I don't have a diagnosed anxiety disorder."

"So? You do ten times more work than I do, even though we both have the exact same job."

Josh rolled his eyes and stood back up, saying, "Fine, there's no winning against you."

The remainder of filming was tricky, to say the least. Harry had used all of strength in his body to pull himself to his feet, and put as much effort as possible into not looking like a complete wreck on camera. His legs felt weak, though, and his heart was beating so fast, even when he was stood completely still. It became a hassle to keep his head up, his neck trembling, along with his hands and knees. But he got through it- somehow.

'Why is the air so hot?' Was all he could think in the Uber on the way back home. He felt as if he could start to suffocate at any second, despite the fact that it was only room temperature, and the sweat leaking from his pores didn't want to stop. No wonder he was so dehydrated all the time.

That evening, as all the boys sat around, eating dinner, Harry had trouble staying awake. He leaned back into the couch, feeling as though he were falling asleep with his eyes open. Sounds seemed different, and shapes were dancing in his vision, and all of his muscles felt so weak and relaxed. He was brought back to reality by a shove to his side from one of his friends, who he guessed was Jj.

"You okay, Boggo?" Ethan asked from the other side of the sofa, chuckling. "You look kind of out of it."

"Yeah." Harry replied. "Just want to sleep."

"You should finish eating first." Josh said in the most fatherly voice Harry had ever heard. "You didn't eat much this morning."

In all honesty, Harry hadn't had an ounce of appetite since the funeral. He would wake up feeling hazy, and the thought of food would make his stomach churn for the remainder of the day. He looked down at his Nando's meal, wondering how he would ever be able to get through it- or at least how he would be able to get out of it without Josh noticing.

"Okay, sure..." Harry mumbled, taking an agonising bite and forcing it down his throat. It was disgusting.

Harry never believed he would grow to hate food as much as he did in that moment.

When Harry leaned back again, barely conscious, Vikk butted in and spoke. "Come on, mate. Just let him go and sleep."

"Alright." Josh said. "Go to bed, Bog. You better sleep more than a couple hours tonight. I'll have someone keep an eye on you."

"Yeah." Harry didn't really know what Josh was saying, but it was easier to just agree, rather than try to actually understand.

Finally collapsing on his bed, he let his eyes close and felt the world grow fainter and his body lighter, until he heard something in the distance. It sounded strangely familiar, and very faint.

"Wake up, baby."

Who was it? The voice was soft and high pitched. It sounded soft and loving.

It was his mother.

"Let's go to the playground."

The voice grew louder in his head until it wasn't really a voice anymore. It sounded somewhat like a laugh. A loud, cackling laugh that caused him to jump. He looked around himself at the room, still illuminated. It had only been half an hour since he'd gone to bed, and he could see Simon sitting on a gaming chair across the room, tapping away on his phone. Harry felt his heart speed up again as panic rushed through his body.

Why was he panicking?

There was nothing to panic about.

So why did it feel like his heart was about to burst it's way out of his chest?

Harry rolled over, so that he was facing the wall, hoping it would help. Only, the wall was so blank. It was so lonely. It made his heart hurt even more, so he turned back around, Simon finally noticing his movement.

"I thought you were asleep." He spoke softly, only looking away from his phone for a second.

"I was." Harry mumbled.

He needed to come up with some sort of excuse. Some sort of light hearted excuse. "Maybe if those guys weren't so bloody loud, I'd still be."

It took an hour for him to calm down enough to sleep again. Though, once again, the night chose not to be so kind to Harry.