I can’t believe that after all this time I finally gave up. I don’t understand what has happened in my mind. Maybe I don’t want to disappoint the man who tried thoroughly to bring me back, or maybe I just like the view that my room has to offer. I’m trying to lie to myself now. As usual. My conscience tells me that I am emotionally attached to that man. After all, he's been the only one who believed in me and the only one who tried to be my friend. Also, he might be the only hope I’ve got left. If I'll leave this place in the condition I am now, my life will end. Not glorious at all.
But isn’t this what I wanted right from the beginning? Ever since I’ve introduced myself to this psychosis, this fake reality?
Today I realise that I can’t detach, that I want to go back.
But it doesn’t make any sense. Back where? To what? And why?
My head starts spinning and I know the answers to those questions, but I push the answers back as fast as I can, for I refuse to admit and accept them.
I don’t think it was the right thing to do, getting mad with Roy, only because he reached my emotions. The only thing he tried to do was help me, and I should appreciate that. I should hang on the little thread he gave me and hope for the best in my supposed recovery . I think my favourite doctor just showed me that destiny wants me back in it’s ruthless game.
I locked myself here because I wanted to forget, but things just got worse.
I processed the information I had and spun it around, and memories still describe the same tragic happening that needs to be revenged. The same one that made me look for another reality. It’s something that cannot be revenged by law, so I must do something about it myself.
Now I must be going crazy. This is what I was running from in the first place. I don’t want to regret my actions and then have to live with myself for the rest of my life, feeling worse than I do now. If that is even possible.
But I realise now, that something better isn’t there for me. My tunnel has no light at it’s end. There is no happy ending in my case. I need to get out of here, and do what I need to do.
But it’s so difficult. I don’t remember the entrance and I don’t recall any kind of exit from the place I locked myself in.
My own mind.
However, there must be an exit! I proved it earlier. When I cried, I escaped into the common reality, even if it was just for a second. Roy will help me. He will know the way back.
He knocks on my door twice, as he always does, and then he enters the room.
-I told the Director that you cried Annabelle, but the miserable wouldn’t believe me!
I don’t get it. He wants pictures or what?
-It doesn’t matter! We must go on, even if I don’t precisely know how.
What? Roy, I thought you had the situation under perfect control. I was counting on that!
-All I know is that you reacted when I told you you’d be transferred. I doubt you care about this place. I don’t think you would miss it. I think it’s me that you’ll miss.
Yes, it is you, but that’s not the most important thing at the moment.
-Of course, I think this isn’t your only or major reason. I also think you’ve noticed that I’m the only one willing to help you. At the beginning every doctor in this institution would’ve given anything for a scan of your brain. Don’t ask me why.
What? You must be kidding.
-…there was nothing showing up on the scans and now they all think they were wrong about you being special. But you are.
Don’t smile at me. It gives me hope.
-The thing is that now I know you want to get out of here, and it’s not the easiest thing to do. Human mind had it’s tricky paths. You can get lost at anytime. But, as I said before, there is something special about your brain. I can’t think of any reason you would want to get out of there though, but that is only because I was the only one talking everytime we met.
That innocent smile again.
-But that is irrelevant. The important thing is that I will get the most powerful will from you.
Yeah, at least that, huh?
-I thought maybe you wanted to get out of this place for a short while, seeing other people. Maybe this will help.
What? Are you mad? No! No,no,no! It won’t help me at all! If I agree with your presence Roy, that doesn’t mean I agree with the presence of other human beings.
I’m talking nonsense. Of course he is right and I have to get out of here. But I can’t. My reality is not willing to let me want to see anything but the cold white walls of this sanatorium room.
-Come, Annabelle. You have to change into normal clothes.
What's wrong with these clothes?
-Don't look at me like that. You don't expect me to take you out in ugly hospital clothes, do you?
Fair point.
My mind starts racing.
He helps me to get up the chair and takes me to the door. I can’t react until I realize the fact is in progress.
Suddenly, I feel an unusual burn down my throat, and after that all I can do is hear myself screaming as loud as I ever remember. I can’t articulate any word, I just scream. I can see the nurses approaching, with threatening syringes full of what I suppose to be anesthetic. I am terrified.
-No, don’t do this. This is her own process of healing.
Thank you Roy! I owe you one.
The two nurses watch me with disgust, as if I’m wasting their precious time.
It’s your job girls, I’m sorry.
The screaming stops sooner than I expected, and I try to do it again, but I can’t.
I.don’t.understand.this.
It’s like all my actions that take place in the common reality need a trigger. First it was the news, and now Roy wants to take me out of the hospital, after a year without human interaction. It feels like these are rational reasons that my body and mind find worth reacting to. They don’t listen to me, but to other’s reasons.
Stupid mind, why won’t you listen to me? Why don’t you do what I want you to? Why do you react only when you have no other choice? And why can’t I scream no more?
Roy makes me sit on the chair in front of the window and we look together in the distance. I don’t have any idea how he always connects with me. We stay like this for a few moments and when the atmosphere calms down, he grabs my hand and helps me get to the door. It takes forever because of the small steps I take. Walking is difficult. He smiles at me, and I feel powerful.
But I know I’m not.
Now we’re out of my room, on the narrow, dark hallway.
I think my nails cut through his skin because little streams of blood run on his hand. And yet, he doesn’t say a word.
Roy, I don’t know how to thank you.
-Annabelle, you certainly haven’t cut your nails in a while.
He laughs. He laughs with blood streaming down his hand.
-Do you think you can dress yourself?
I can’t do anything by myself.
I look at him with sad eyes and he somehow understands.
-Ok, but promise me you’ll be nice with the nurses.
I can’t promise anything.
We get to an overly clean room, and he leaves me with some nurses.
I think I feel warm blood underneath my nails.
