My space:
this story is written by the point of view of Louis. I apologize for any kind of mistake that I made while writing this if you find a mistake feel free to tell me, but please do it in a kind way, because english isn't my first language and also because when I'm tired I tend to do more mistakes, I'm trying my best so please be respectful of me and my work.
Love u
-N.
I wish we could go back in time.
I wish I could be that lad again, that fool eighteen years old boy who didn't have an idea about what life was but who lived everyday in a much alive way than how I'm doing now.
He, I, lived everyday as if it was the last one, doing what I liked.
I used to kiss him whenever I wanted. I kissed him under the street lights in the middle of the night with cold feets and boiling lips. I kissed him when we were alone in our bed whispering secrets and telling stupid stories until morning, forgetting to sleep, giving to the other a piece of us, of our soul, and oh, I did give myself to him, I know I am his and I always will be, no matter what. We used to kiss with hundreds of people around, we didn't give a shit about them all, we kissed in the same way as if we were alone, just me and him, two souls in contact who finally found eachother half and wanted more and more. We kissed and our kisses were like firewood burning, consuming all the oxygen available.When I did so, when I kissed the green eyed boy, I used to feel a bump deep in my chest, beautiful sparks growing from inside of my body as I pressed our lips together. When I held his hand I felt so happy, I felt like I wanted to live forever that moment with him, and when he smiled to me, with the familiar dimple appearing in his soft cheek, everyone and everything disappeared, nothing mattered anymore, I looked at him to my side and I felt the most lucky person in the world.
When he smiled and said "I love you" I just wanted to kiss him, to cry and to scream for the happiness, (but I didn't because I kept repeating to myself "c'mon Louis you aren't a fangirl in front of his idol", or maybe I was, maybe he was my idol and I was just a silly and pathetic boy completely in love with him, but at the time I didn't think that) I wanted to make love to him and never let him go, because this beautiful curly boy loved me.
He loved me and I loved him, and this was just too beautiful. I felt like this was too perfect to be true and to be happening to me.
How could I be that lucky?
This was everything I wanted and needed, and I felt like this, our love, was going to last forever,and oh,
I couldn't be more wrong than this.
Yeah, because everything changed, too fast, and now without him on my side I feel empty, numb, I don't feel a thing anymore, because I used to have everything, he was my everything, and now I have nothing but an empty house and a cold bed.
Now I have nothing but myself to blame..
My space :
{imagine Louis wrote this on his diary, while the next part is a letter he write to Harry, and it will explain how and why everything felt apart between them, it is a little bit sad, I'm sorry}
.Dear Harry,
I remember the day everything felt apart.
That day I was so fucking drunk, I don't remember a thing but her lips on mine, I remember it felt different, somehow it felt wrong.
Those lips weren't the ones I used to kiss, the soft and plump lips from my first kiss, these were thin and hard, but I was too drunk for doing something.
The only thing that I remember after this is that I suddenly saw you in a corner of the room and I felt relieved, I just wanted you to take me home because I didn't know where I was, my head was exploding and I felt like trowing up. I wanted my baby to take me home, away from that noise I felt in my head which was giving me an headache, I just wanted to cuddle my boyfriend and him to telling me that everything was gonna to be okay.
Then I saw your eyes and it was in that moment that everything really felt apart,
in that moment I knew something was truly wrong, that everything had changed forever.
Your beautiful green eyes were full of tears, you seemed shocked, like you couldn't believe what was happening. I remember I felt confused, why were you looking at me like that? The look you had on your face was breaking my heart, no, it was tearing it apart. I remember you whispering my name, your voice was so low but I heard you anyway, I wish I didn't because your voice was broken, it was the voice you had when your heart was going to break and I couldn't let that happen.
I tried to move and to reach you, I needed to hug you, to make you smile and changed that look on your face, because watching you falling apart was breaking you and me at the same time. Because you were made to be happy, you deserve to smile in every moment, you deserve only the beautiful things of this shitty world.
But when I tried to move I realized that there was a body in front of me who wouldn't let me reach my baby. It was a girl body, the girl that I was kissing. This thought suddenly hit me, like a punch in the face. I remember I thought something like "what the hell is happening? Who is this girl? What is she doing here? Why was she kissing me? Am I drunk? I want to go away with Harry, please let me go away with him", but when I looked where you were standing before I couldn't see you anymore.
I wanted to run, to go find you and to explain that I didn't know what was happening, I just wanted you to hug me and make me feel better, because my head hurt too much and even breath became difficult.
I was so confused, so lost and my headache was killing me, I needed to find you, to explain, to do something, but everything I could do was trowing up on my shoes.
Pathetic. I was pathetic.
Everything I could think about was: I let him go.
And for what? Just because I was so fucking drunk and some girl kissed me, how stupid am I?
Now a month passed and I feel empty. Numb. I'm just a fool who is trying to remember how it feels to be alive. I know I'm smoking too much and eating too little.
But I don't care.
All I want to do is scream, scream because I let you go, scream because now without your body in my arms I can't sleep more than a few hours, scream because when I close my eyes I see your face and that look you had on your face which breaks my heart and which makes me want to hide from it and cry. I want to scream because in the few moments I can sleep I dream of you, I dream your smile and your laugh and when I wake up I feel even more destroyed than before because I realize that I won't see your smile anymore. I want to scream because I know I let you down and I can't deal with this thought.
But all I do is smoking and drinking because I'm too weak, because I want to erase your eyes and your face from my mind for a moment, because just for a moment, I don't want to feel that broken. Because I had everything and now I have nothing, I feel drained, I keep thinking that I'm an idiot,and I can't stop blaming myself.
I keep asking myself how are you, the thought that I made you cry is killing my mind, I can't take the thought that I broke your heart, that now you may be hating me.
And so here I am, writing all this in a paper, like the idiot I am, I know that when you'll read this you'll probably hate me even more, but I have nothing to lose anymore. Because I already lost you, the one thing who made me feel alive, the person who made me learn what's living, who made me stop surviving and start living a worthy life.
I'm writing this because I want you to know that I love you and that you will have my heart and my soul forever.
Maybe I'm selfish, I know I am, maybe it would be better if I would just leave you alone and let you go over this, go over me.
But I can't let you go without explaining myself before, I just can't.
I know you don't want to see me and I don't want to see you either because that will cause you pain and seeing you like that will definitely destroy me, but I hope you'll at least read this and know that I don't expect you to forgive me, hell, I don't even deserve you and your pure heart.
It was too beautiful, too perfect having you in my life.
It's like I tasted paradise and now that I'm in hell again I can't forget how was being in paradise, how was the feeling of being loved by you. I don't even know what I'm writing, maybe I'm going crazy, maybe I need to sleep because it's been four days since I slept the last time, maybe this isn't healthy, my love for you, maybe I don't care anymore.
People won't understand me, won't understand us, but I don't care because they don't know our story and what we went through. They don't know how ours souls are made for being together, they don't know how it feels to be that broken, what it feels like waking up in a cold and empty bed with the feeling that you won't come back and that I won't hear your laugh anymore.
I just miss you so much Haz.Always yours,
Louis.My space:
So I told you it was gonna be a bit sad. I know the relationship Louis has with Harry in this letter doesn't seem too healthy because his life depends too much on Harry and for me this isn't healthy, but this is the story how it came to my mind.
What would you do if you were Harry? Would you forgive Louis?
Would you like to read about Harry's point of view? Maybe a letter that Harry writes back? If yes do you see this story finishing well or not?
I don't think I will write Harry's point of view or a sequel of this (very short) story, but I would like to know your thoughts about that. Please give me a feedback because I'm already so insecure about this collection here on wattpad hahaha. I'm not that good at writing but since some of you like what I write I wanted to share this anyway. Let me know your thoughts about that. Love u all,
-N
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