Torn

Issues

⚠️cutting and suicide attempts coming up⚠️

"Maddie" steve said breaking my train of thought "hm" "have you taken your meds" he knew I hadn't in days "no" I said bluntly "please do" he really cared but I didn't like the system and god knows what those meds are prescribed when I was in the mental hospital. He started caring for me a lot after my last attempt he doesn't check my arms anymore like her used to though I always wanted to cut all the time when I was alone and sad or depressed but I knew he would be upset but sometimes almost didn't care. Needless to say I had issues but they never seemed to get bad unless I was having a episode which I had often.

"I'm tired I'm going to my room" I was going in there to sit and stare at the wall which I did a lot "okay" he let me go. I knew what I really doing I couldn't breath tho I needed to let the anger and frustration out on something and as always I did it to myself. Once I got to my room I went to my bedside table and rummaged around in it before finding a razor blade i shaked holding it not scared but more nervous for some reason "what are you doing" I heard a voice from behind me I jumped dropping the blade back in the drawer steve grabbed my shoulder tears in his eyes as he wiped me around "Maddie" he said in a faint voice he was shaking I was think shit I left my room open "Maddie please talk to me" I was staring at the ground "I- don't" I had nothing to say he let a single tear drop from his cheek before speaking " please don't I can't stand losing you again" i felt bad "steve I won't I'm sorry" I felt something like I have always have a spark of something again "steve I think I-" he broke me off "I know" he knew I was in love with him "but we can't get into that right now" he said pulling me into a hug he was a hug guy but good cus I loved hugs he hugged before he broke it "Maddie I do love you but we just can't get into all that right now with everything going on I don't think a relationship is good for ourselves it would bring the best in one and the worst in the other" he was right I couldn't handle a relationship right now but knowing he loved me was enough to keep me alive at the moment but all it takes for me is another episode and I'm gone