the unattainable

Loving him wasn't the issue, no. He was beautiful, full of light. Perhaps it was the shadows that dragged themselves around him, the ones that strangled Kurotsuchi and demanded that she forget him with each passing day. Still, Kurotsuchi loved him even after death. She loved him as tears trailed down her pretty face, gasping the air and pounding her fists on the cold wooden floor. She cursed him for all eternity, damning him and his love for her all she could.

The news arrived to her upon a cold, foggy day, the perfect day for escape. She laughed, brushing it off as another sad attempt at crushing her spirits before his arrival. Next, it angered her that news would even make its way to her, to plague her with such heart-wrenching declarations. Nobody knew of her plan, of course. But hoping for his redemption was always a dream of her's. Kurotsuchi was never a religious woman, yet she kneeled at every altar there was, prayed to every god in existence in hopes of his return. It dawned on her once she caught sight of a slightly scorched scroll escorted in from afar. Immediately, she ran to her grandfather's office.

"Kurotsuchi? Shouldn't you be trai-" the Tsuchikage started.

"What's the meaning of all this?!" She cried with a visible panic on her face.

He sighed. In reality, he knew of the feelings Kuro harbored for him. Young love, he thought. However, he did not hold it against her, for we cannot choose who we love. "We found it amongst Deidara's belongings after his death."

"You.."

"Kuro.." The Kage made his way up to her. He held her with her head in his lap, just as he used to when she was younger. It created a sense of security. And there, she cried until her body could cry no more. She wept until all that existed was the pain of his death and the memories that resided with her. They told her it was simple, that forgetting about a criminal like him would take no effort. She did put on a mask of loyalty, after all. How ironic it was to plan a betrayal just to be comforted by the same man that very day. But, letting go meant that she had to let go of who she was, who she wanted to be. They asked her to let go of the emotions, the memories that made her into the woman she was. More importantly, she realized that Deidara wasn't the man she wanted him to be. She needed to accept the reality that he had failed her in being the person she so needed in a time of confusion.

There was no time for tears in the time of war. She knew that. And so, she was forced to ignore the emotions that came flooding back the moment she heard his name. Perhaps she'd made it obvious when she rushed ahead of the others as they headed his way. No matter, she thought. It'll be quick. Ask questions and leave. Nothing more, Kuro. No, what was she thinking? The war was more important than this, her love for a questionable man like him. She'd cover the deep pangs in her heart with ambition. Perhaps this was the first moment she decided to leave behind past feelings for the village's sake. Her animosity towards Sasuke had been masked with a want to spar against him. It was a ninja's duty, after all, to focus on the task at hand.

It took everything in her not to beat him down the moment she saw his face. Somewhere along the way, the love she once struggled to hold had turned into hate. Perhaps the weight became too heavy to bear. Maybe they loved much too young, too bright. Deidara's death left it to fade, as all lights do. And so, their love dimmed with each passing moment, leaving nothing but the darkness that it once illuminated. His face, one she used to hold with the gentlest of touches, had become cracked and calloused. The sea of his blue eyes had become polluted with black. A sad sight to see, honestly, considering the radiant smile he displayed at her presence. It had been the same look he'd given her years ago, in their shenanigans of youth. How long had it been? His smile made her think of simpler times, indeed. Oh Deidara, you fool; why did you have to leave?