TW: my childhood 🤠

HI :) Tw..

So this is quite casual and definitely not a story tho i might write one at some point idk lol

anyway

short story when i was on preschool (age 3/4) i was punched daily and the teachers encouraged it :) yay me i came home bloody and bruised most days

but anyway that doesn't bother me tooo much..

i went through puberty at a pretty young age. when i was just 4 i had a baddd sexual drive and it was prettyyy obvious lol

at the age of 5, my sister was 8.. and she sexually harassed me. it started off after watching 17 again. lol i know. cringe. anyway she acted out one of the more " sexual" scenes with me and said it was normal but then she started teaching me ways to have sex. obviously i had no idea what it was but it felt kinda good i guess but wrong at the same time but I WAS 5 i didn't know what was right or wrong.. then she started touching me when i was asleep. like fully

this carried on, on and off for 10 years until 2019 when i was 15. she touched me but always made sure i was asleep, which to clarify i was but i was also semi aware but not able to function so i couldn't do anything. i don't say anything tho bc still to this day we are best friends and she's the bestest friend i've ever had i just get these nightmares sometimes and its not fun but i love her and she helped me through so much crap so i feel like i owe her.

next on the list back in junior school (age 9) this girl forced me to do things to her in the bathrooms and would do stuff to me too. i could do anything, she was manipulative and controlled everything i did (in other words i was weak and i wish i wasn't) it wasn't a fun experience let's say :)

at the age of 13 my sisters kinda boyfriend got in contact with me and started to manipulate me. he guilt tripped me into sending nudes and told me things he wanted to do to me.. he was 19. even wen he had a girlfriend he brain washed me and made me think nudes were good. but obviously they aren't. i still feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. he made me fall in love with him. and i hate him for it..

then i started getting death threats by people in a senior school (age 12-16) i never even went to (was homeschooled after juniors bc i couldn't cope(never told my mum the real reason tho)) with people saying they were gonna find me and kill me because a rumour spread that i was sending all the boys in the school nudes and lost my virginity at 9. i'm still a virgin. will be til i'm married :)

all good things all good things anyway

next is my friends older brother i was 14 he was 18. LOL anyway he touched me without consent (he did not rape but close enough) and did loads of stuff i feel sick about and made me give him a handy jobby 🥲 was not fun anyway then he decided to tell everyone how obsessed i was with him and how i tried to get him to kiss me witch i didn't he pushed his tongue down MY throat.

rumours were spread from my BEST FRIENDS about how much of a slut, whore, prostitute, hoe, boy obsessed, and many other words i was and it went round to about 19 different groups to the point most of the people i knew avoided me :)

the thing was this best friend was my friend bc her mum asked me to look after her.. she attempted suicide multiple times and i stopped them each time.

she bullied me daily
stole all my friends
turned them against me
and ruined any ounce of happiness i had left

this ones still fresh and there's so much more to say but i don't wanna open up just yet about it

movinggg on

my dads friends were at a party i was at and the whole night kept me in the corner and were talking about how much they'd love to see me on my knees and kept asking me to bend over. i was in a full modest suit to clarify and i was 13. once again. 13. they were in their 50s and they kept trying to touch me. anyway they both moved far away a
so i don't have to see either of them again. yay.

also when i was 10 this old man (grandad) came up to me and stared touching my chest infront of my mum and said "i'd love to see that on me" and my mum was like "oh haha that's so inappropriate she's only 10" and he looked at me in a icky way and said "here's my number for when you turn 18" and GAVE ME HIS NUMBER LIKE WTF and my mum just laughed it off i wanted to be sick

anyway don't you just hate ✨people✨
i'm ashamed to say
it's men and women 😕

also when i was 14 this 21 year old tried to take my top off and kept running his hands over my boobs through my top saying he was tryna keep me warm as my nipples were hard and omd i hate him the most he did so much and i can't even begin to talk about it .

also just a quickie my mum is body obsessed i'm 17, a dancer and a size 8 but to my mum that's too big and i could loose some weight. i don't get it as bad as my sisters but they slim too and my mum tells them off daisy for their weight. i feel bad for them

also yesterday my mum called me a hussy and a slag for telling someone i was on my periods like gee thanks mummy 🤪

after all this i TW:
cut myself because i thought i was to blame but i know i'm not and yet i still feel dirty and easy and slutty and ashamed and used .. idk i just feel sick and i have no one to tell so here's my story besties
i'm sorry if it still triggered any of you i'm here if you wanna talk i love you all so much❤️
i'm okayish now tho don't worry i'm not suicidal just a lil sad but i'm on anti depressants so all is good

people say i don't have ptsd and say i can't say that word bc it's not something to be used lightly but they don't even know me. i know i have ptsd but they always say i have to prove it so today i did. just not to them, rather to myself.. so that's why i wrote this because i'm sick and tired of pretending im fine when im not..

anyway so much had happened and still so much is happening but i know it happens to others and im not gonna go on any longer as you probably skipped all of this anyway which idm really aha

if you have gone through anything i'm so, so sorry i love you so much and i'm here for you❤️ but please find a wrists that helps you

i was introduced to jw.org and it's helping me so much to cope so yeah find something of someone that helps
i love you all
❤️❤️❤️