Last Wish

Scourge of the Past

Owen's POV

The days were endless as the pressure of secrecy built up and pounded on the thin walls of my head. Each day was still and bland for no one could understand how intense this secret was. Everyone around me kept to themselves as they weren't invested in how I felt. Me, a senior in high school, in a small town in Canada where no one was excepting outside of the usual. I blamed this town for not letting me expand and grow as a person, holding me back. Not even my own dad, Kevin, and sibling knew of my feelings because I knew they would reject me. The year was 2019 and the media ruled every high schooler's life, dictating their outfits and building reputation outside of this school. Instagram being the new Facebook had grabbed all the attention of each adolescent throughout all of America. With a platform to spread messages far and wide, it was to be expected to see bullying and unwanted opinions. This is where it started, my platform, an anonymous page where I shared and spread positivity to those who couldn't seem to find it. What's my secret? I'm gay. My Instagram is titled "Owenyx'' and the bio says "My secret may be 'in the closet' for those around me but for those who follow me and my page it's not. Ps, I'm a warlock in destiny lol". I was able to be myself and reach out to others who were just like me and tell them 'We're safe here'. As much as this page helped me express my emotions it also had a huge toll on my mental health because of all the "gay" and general homophobic slurs. I try and not let them get to me as I know some of them just use the word as slang and I've heard it so much from our soccer team 'The Beer Scouts' but I wish the world knew better. I would make daily posts about experiences I want to have and day to day reminders that it's okay to be gay. All those posts seem to blend together. None vary too far from the next, just a carbon copy. It seemed like clockwork but one little slip up caused my world to fade into a grey. It was a normal day of posting while at lunch during school when one of my only friends, Daniel, sat down Infront of me. I had been friends with him for years now and we were deemed inseparable. Some people called him "Red Rising ''. I guess it's from a book. He was seemingly straight and captain of the men's soccer team which I also participated on. As I typed away on the computer, he only seemed to grow more intrigued at my focus. "What you typing about", he said in such a curious way, making me jump at the thought of him catching a glimpse at the post or user name I was under. He watched as I didn't answer him, finishing up the last sentence. His body took over as he jumped and leaned over the screen hoping to cure his yearning. I timidly tilted the screen downwards hitting send on the post. As so, I abruptly shut my laptop and shimmied it in my school bag hoping he wouldn't question. "What you trying to hide", a cocky grin grew on his face, making me blush a little bit. "Nothing that concerns you", that was a lie. The post I were writing had everything to do with him, from the way that he cared about my stupid shows I watch, to the hours I spent gaining light levels with him last weekend. I liked him a lot. I knew only dead ends would appear out of my crush but it's not like anything would come of it, right? Lunch went on like normal as other soccer teammates filled each bench causing complete chaos for the next thirty minutes. The end bell rang as each student filled into their respective classrooms. Daniel and myself walked out to the fieldhouse to change into our practice uniforms. A comfortable silence was formed between the two of us until Daniel inquired about the prior interaction. "I feel like you've been hiding stuff from me lately", taken aback by his bluntness, I stared at the ground contemplating on how I get out of the messy topic. "It's nothing really. I wasn't trying to hide anything, I was just messing around", I felt a little sharp pain of guilt wipe over me from lying to my best friend. As we neared the locker-room, he asked, "Then tell me what you were typing", he was as smug as always. He always got what he wanted out of me. As we both walked into the locker-room the sound of heavy laughter bounced off the cold cement walls. Mentions of mine and Daniel's name were heard. As we rounded the corner all our teammates were standing there laughing at their phones mocking the text on the screens. The attention was brought to us as Daniel mindlessly asked "What's so funny". Little to my knowledge that worst was knocking on my front door and I had to nervously open it. Daniel got impatient and grabbed the phone and lightly glanced over the wall of text in front of him. I stood impatient and read over his shoulder. My fingertips went numb and tears pricked my eyes as I saw my earlier work from lunch posted under my personal account. 'No, no, no, this couldn't be happening', my heart now beating so loud that soldiers could march to war on the beat. I slowly looked up to catch Daniel's eyes beating me down with every blink. The room fell silent and me and my best friend held eye contact. Teammates broke this silence with slurs and jokes but the only thing I noticed was the distraught look the captain was giving me. I could only imagine the thoughts running through his head, 'All the times we were close and he wanted to date me', 'God does he really think I would be gay'. My mind was running and my body soon followed suit. Running and plopping into my car and letting out my hysterical cries that probably could be heard in the front office of the school. I didn't care how I felt right then, all I wanted was to know that Daniel was okay. I found out later that he had left practice to come search for me. He knew I couldn't be alone at that moment. He knew that I couldn't go home out of fear for what my family would have done. Daniel was a true friend that didn't care what others around him thought but did care what I thought of him. I spent the rest of that day sitting in the middle of the local park soccer field where Daniel and I had met. I cherished these memories that led to what was my favorite person. I built up the courage to look at my post and read the all of comments left. Only three of them were supportive and the rest were insults and inputted opinions about my life, which they knew nothing about. I closed my phone and stared at the now gloomy grey clouds rolling in, not caring if rain was about to pour. As I laid there silently Daniel sat next to me and let his presence be known by yawning and spreading himself out on the ground next to me. "Hey", I gave no answer. I was embarrassed of who I was at that moment. "It's okay if you don't talk to anyone but, I expect you to talk to me", he said, sitting back up with his legs out and supporting his body weight with his arms. "Don't you have practice?", I answered ignoring the elephant in the room that had to be mentioned. "Why would I practice when the star player isn't there", he retorted, "I'm a benchwarmer at best", I chuckled. He inhaled deeply, preparing for his big spiel "When I left practice and got in my car to find you, I reread the post and gave it deep thought", a sigh left my lips as he said that. "You're my best friend and weather you're gay or straight or, just whatever, you are. At the end of the day, you are still my best friend.", I could feel a 'but' coming. "But...", here comes the rejection, "I can't reciprocate your feelings. Now the way you look at Garret, our former Beer Scout, makes way more sense to me now. You should figure out what that's about before you settle down", there it is, rejection. God did he really think I had the hots for Garret. I took a pause and looked him in the eyes, "I wasn't expecting you to", Is all I managed to say. God I wanted to kiss him. A moment of silence fell on us as rain started to trickle on us like a leaky faucet. Before we knew it the rain was coming down in sheets and we both ran to his car because it was close. We sat in the car talking about our fond memories of us playing soccer for our old team, Leviathan, in this field. Eventually we talked about the post and my feelings coming to an agreement to only talk about it with each other. The following days at school were rough but, Daniel being who Daniel was, he made most kids shut it. My crush eventually died down and the rest of my senior days grew less. I knew with Daniel as my best friend I could accomplish anything. I watched as I longed for my future days with my secret out and open.