Challenges

Part XXII

 ***2015***

Justin pulled the RZR to a stop at the top of the hill they were climbing, which has a couple of trees on the top and shade. The sun was getting warm now, and he thought this was a good place to stop and rest.

Getting out, he pulled the two camping chairs out along with the cooler which had some turkey wraps and water in it. Jason followed him to the trees, and helped set up the two chairs. They sat in silence as they ate their wraps.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" Justin broke the silence.

"Sure."

Justin leaned back into the chair and looked up at the tree. "Have you ever accepted yourself?""

"What do you mean?"

"Like," Justin struggled to find the wording that didn't sound cliche. "Have you come to terms with your sexuality?"

"I think so." Jason responded, but with a slight hesitation. "I mean, I am not suicidal, or depressed over it."

Justin sat up straight. "Can you look yourself in the mirror?"

"Do you mean if I love myself?" Jason asked timidly.

"Yes." Justin just looked down at his hands.

"I do." Jason sat back in his chair. His eyes were closed. "It wasn't easy."

There was silence again. The wind blew through the branches and the air was warm. Justin had a memory of returning to his childhood and his time spent out here with Matt.

"After I came out to my mom, I felt so much better. She was okay with it, but I know she was a bit hurt." Jason reached over and picked up a twig that was lying on the ground. He started to pick the bark off. "I think she was more disappointed that I would not be able to give her grandkids. She always talked about them."

Justin thought back to the conversation he had with Lily.

"But she was happy and supportive. I ended up getting a boyfriend, nothing too serious, and it seemed okay. It was a bit strained as I was too ashamed to be seen in public, and he wanted to be out and about." Jason stopped picking the bark off the twig and looked at it closely. Trying to focus his attention away from the story itself. "After we broke up, I decided not to date till college. There I found another guy, but he was abusive."

"I am so sorry." Justin reached his hand out and grabbed Jason's leg. How could anyone be cruel?

"Sad part is it took me a long time to realize what trap I was in." Justin just nodded. "I wasn't ready for sex, but he convinced me otherwise. After it was said and done I ended it. I didn't want to be pressured into it anymore." He threw the stick down. "After that I went into a depression, thinking maybe everyone was right and being gay was wrong. Maybe I should just be celebate, or find a girl I could at least have some emotional connection with."

"I ended up getting a therapist and she helped me work my way through it all." Jason smiled. "She really did help me through everything, and helped me realize that I was important, and that I should be happy with myself first. Love myself." He started to laugh. "Man, she was crazy."

Justin thought about getting therapy, but he was always too embarrassed by it. The idea that he might be crazy always snuck in. He knew that was wrong thinking, but he could never get over it, or get it out of his head.

"Funny." Justin looked at Jason with a raised eyebrow. "The therapist used the same turn of phrase: Can you look at yourself in the mirror."

"What was her name?" Justin couldn't believe that it was the same person.